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Tag Archives: Marriage

Mark 6:6b-11

06 Feb

Then Jesus went from village to village, teaching the people. 7 And he called his twelve disciples together and began sending them out two by two, giving them authority to cast out evil spirits. 8 He told them to take nothing for their journey except a walking stick—no food, no traveler’s bag, no money. 9 He allowed them to wear sandals but not to take a change of clothes.

10 “Wherever you go,” he said, “stay in the same house until you leave town. 11 But if any place refuses to welcome you or listen to you, shake its dust from your feet as you leave to show that you have abandoned those people to their fate.”

Mark 6:6b-11

Dear God, there seem to be so many things happening around me that disappoint me. I don’t like how some things are unfolding in the culture. They concern me. And there is so very little I can do about them. That’s what I thought about this morning when I read this story. I would guess that if I had asked any of Jesus’s disciples or even Jesus himself how they felt about what they saw happening around them and unfolding in their culture, they would have been concerned too. So what did Jesus tell them to do? Go out and cast out demons and, I assume, preach repentance and reconciliation with God, although, ironically, they still did not even come close to grasping what all you had in mind through Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection.

So here I am today. I have work to do. I have a job that needs me to be loving and compassionate. I have a friend who needs some comforting today. I have a wife who needs my love and support. I have children who need my prayer. I have these writing projects I’ve felt led to, wondering what exactly I’m supposed to do next.

Father, help me to not look to the world or the culture for my comfort or my peace. It’s okay to lament. It’s okay to see things and prayerfully take action. But you are my hope. You are the only thing that is the same yesterday, today, and forever. You are the only thing in which I can rest. So I start this day just loving you. Appreciating you. Thanking you for the blessing my wife and I got yesterday and praying over it and what we are trying to pass to someone else through that blessing. Cover our actions, Father. Guide my wife and me. Care for our children, siblings, nieces, and nephews. My parents. Lord, be glorified in this earth.

I pray this in Jesus and with your Holy Spirit,

Amen

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2025 in Mark

 

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Colossians 2:4,8

24 Nov

4 I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments. 

8 Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Colossians 2:4,8

Dear God, I took these two verses and put them together because they are actually the same thought, but separated by some exposition in verses 5-7.

It is so easy to be deceived by well-crafted arguments. And I’m not immune to it. I think my problem is that if I am going to hold to a theological or philosophical position, I want to know my why. Why do I believe this or that. If asked to defend it, what is my why?

For example, I know many, many young people who are living together now with either zero plans of marriage or with the philosophy that it is better to test drive the person before they buy. Well, that is a pretty simple argument that on the surface makes a lot of sense. And although my wife and I did not officially live together before we were married, we certainly blurred those lines beforehand. Either she would stay at my place sometimes, or I would stay with her. But even that wasn’t comingling our complete lives until we had the commitment of marriage. But now if I have some young friends who are talking to me about not wanting to get married because it’s too big of a commitment, and I can intuitively see the problem with that philosophy, do I have enough understanding of my own opinion or your opinion on the topic to make an articulate argument.

Here is a list of things that many churches right now are struggling through that are difficult because, I believe, they have the belief without knowing their why besides simply answering, “Because God said so.”

  • LGBTQ+ issues
  • Premarital sex
  • Living together before marriage
  • Women as senior pastors or in leadership at all
  • Immigration
  • Any number of denominational issues

I have varying opinions on all of these things, with some more conservative and some more liberal, but do I know my why? Do I know how to articulate and argue either against the empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense of the world or against a dogma that has been handed down through the church for millennia that may or may not be of you?

Father, I need your Holy Spirit to whisper in my ear. I need your wisdom. I need to make space for quiet. And I also want to know when to be firm in my stance and when to understand that I am just a source of your love and it is your Holy Spirit’s job to convict when it’s time to convict. So give me your wisdom. Give me your insight. And then flow through me in all of my relationships so that those you are calling will find you through my life.

I pray this in Jesus and with your Holy Spirit,

Amen

 
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Posted by on November 24, 2024 in Colossians

 

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Mark 10:1-16

06 Oct

10 Then Jesus left Capernaum and went down to the region of Judea and into the area east of the Jordan River. Once again crowds gathered around him, and as usual he was teaching them.

2 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife?”

3 Jesus answered them with a question: “What did Moses say in the law about divorce?”

4 “Well, he permitted it,” they replied. “He said a man can give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away.”

5 But Jesus responded, “He wrote this commandment only as a concession to your hard hearts. 6 But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. 7 ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, 8 and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, 9 let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

10 Later, when he was alone with his disciples in the house, they brought up the subject again. 11 He told them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries someone else, she commits adultery.”

13 One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him.

14 When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” 16 Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.

Mark 10:1-16

Dear God, I wonder how much of Jesus’s typical day on earth was spent with him just putting his face in the palm of his hand out of frustration. The two stories here are completely separate, but a theme is Jesus having to teach and correct things that had been generationally taught to the Pharisees, disciples, and everyone else in between.

In the first case, it was 1.) dealing with the skepticism of the Pharisees (which I don’t blame them for. I’d have been skeptical too) and 2.) having to correct an errant perspective on what marriage is. And I have to say that I do not know exactly what a first-century Pharisee thought marriage was, but it apparently wasn’t going back to the one basic fact that you built us for each other. You built us to humbly love and serve each other. You built us to fill a need each of us has that is part of our human condition (the perfectly created human condition, not the fallen human condition). Yes, there are times when we hurt each other. Yes, there are times when divorce has to happen because of the actions of one of the spouses over the other. But there are other times when both people are just failing to live up to what you’re calling us to do. To fill the need in our spouse that you call us to fill. I am here for her and to build up your daughter. She is here to build up your son. Yes, we each have calls on our lives. And one of my jobs is to make sure she has everything she needs to fulfill the call(s) you put on her. And one of her jobs is to help me fulfill the call(s) you put on me. To discern when one of us needs to sacrifice for that call. That is what you intended. So later when Jesus says a divorced person who remarries commits adultery, he is pointing his finger at the person who was not wronged through adultery or abuse by the other and recognizing the sin they are committing.

Then there is the disciples scolding parents for bringing their children for blessings. It’s hard for me to imagine the celebrity entourage aspect of Jesus walking around, but it makes me wonder if the disciples acted as his gatekeepers and how they made decisions on who got through the gate. Maybe they only let the really sick and lame through the gate. I don’t know how they drew the line, but they obviously didn’t respect the idea that parents were just wanting a blessing for their children from Jesus. They must have seen that as a frivolous use of Jesus’s (and their own) time. But Jesus pointed out that he loved these children, that the adults have something to learn from these children, and he wanted to bless these children. I’ve asked this before, but I can’t help but wonder what became of these children. How did their lives play out after having been blessed directly by Jesus.

Father, I have a lot to learn. I have so much to learn. My knowledge of you is steeped in my own selfish perspective, bad teaching from generations of errancy, and then a mix of actual knowledge of you through good teaching and times like this. Too often, I cannot tell what is right and what is wrong. So I am sorry for when I am wrong. I am sorry when I say things to other people that are wrong and I cause them to stumble from my bad teaching. I am sorry when I hurt your daughter, the woman I married 32 years ago. I am sorry when I don’t give her everything she needs to be the woman you created her to be. And I am sorry when I miss the mark on who you call me to be. But I bring you an earnest heart. I bring you a heart that wants to love you and love others. Thank you for the gift of Jesus and that that is enough for you.

I pray this in Jesus and with your Holy Spirit,

Amen

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2024 in Mark

 

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The Church, Suffering, Marriage and Politics

04 Jul

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?

Dear God, I have a lot of things seemingly converging on me this morning.

  1. There is an article in the new issue of Christianity Today called “Vanishing Vows: Can the Church Save What’s Left of Marriage?”
  2. I saw an interview with an Evangelical leader on the national stage talking about how the church is losing the next generation because they see us as more interested in politics and shaping the world instead of being who we are supposed to be as the church (and he was repenting and pointing the finger at himself as part of the problem).
  3. I have all of the anger and vitriol I am seeing in social media from some Christians about the government infringing on our freedoms, making us wear masks, etc.
  4. My encouragement of others to read the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, which has the thesis: “What if God intended marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”
  5. I have my own personal struggles, but also remarkable blessings.

So I’ve grabbed myself some breakfast tacos (already eaten), come to our town square at 8:00 in the morning, brought my copy of Christianity Today, my Bible, and my keyboard; and I figure I will just kind of hash some of this out with the Holy Spirit this morning. This is likely gong to be a long one, but that’s good. It’s good to just kind of curl up with you and see if I can get a look into your heart and my own.

I guess I’ll start with this Christianity Today article on marriage.

“Vanishing Vows: Can the Church Save What’s Left of Marriage?”

I just want to take some notes on quotes from the article that strike me as I read it:

  • “Rachel” met a guy through a dating site, got married, and later became a Christian, but getting marriage and becoming a Christian “felt like a package deal.” Before she became a Christian, “sex was less meaningful, cohabitation was defensible, and marriage was a piece of paper issued by the state…After coming to faith and joining a Southern Baptist church, she now believes that Marriage is a covenant before God and a sacred relationship.”
  • In 2005, 50% of men between 25 and 34 were married. By 2018 the number was 35%.
  • “Ander,” a 25-year-old med student in Spain is engaged to another med student. They’ve dated for 6 years. What’s he afraid of regarding marriage? “Not to be free. Tied to someone. Compromised. Things you don’t know you don’t know. maybe we’re okay now, but not later. Differences arise in a couple. The other person is different that you thought they were.” When asked if six years of dating hadn’t enabled him to know her he replied, “I feel like I don’t know her that well.” He recognizes his fears about marriage have taken on a life of their own: “This fear is not pathological and is stopping us n some way from doing a good thing.”
  • In the United States, 72% of men who attend church weekly will marry by 35. That number is 50% for men who don’t attend church regularly.
  • In 2014, 56% of Evangelicals between 20 and 39 were married. By 2018 it was 51%.
  • Cohabitation for Christians went from 3,9% in 2014 to 6.7% in 2018. Support for cohabitation over that time went from 16% to 27%.
  • The idea of commitment should help relieve fears of uncertainty, but the author’s research showed the uncertainty of the future kept people from committing.
  • “What people expect from marriage has changed profoundly, even through that marriage offers has not.”
  • Russell Moore in The Storm-Tossed Family: Marriage is increasingly a “vehicle of self-actualization” rather than a setting for self-sacrifice.
  • New attitude as stated by “Chloe”: “You have your 20s to focus on you, and then [after that] you try to help others.” Author’s conjecture: Self-sacrifice is learned behavior, not a gift for your 30th birthday. [my own comment–the same is true for philanthropic giving and tithing]
  • 28-year-old Pentecostal woman from Lagos: “When I have everything I want. When I am able to achieve everything I want to achieve for myself. Then I will get married.”
  • “Farah” is a 25-year-old single Lebanese Christian woman. Lots of devout Lebanese women wait. When they do marry, they seem to work more, not less, since the cost of living in Beirut outpaces salaries. Spare time is swamped with domestic responsibilities: “When both spouses are working, they come home tired. Even before they have kids, the couple doesn’t have the time to sit together, so they delay their discussion time. They delay things to Saturday, usually, so Saturdays or weekends become overloaded, which becomes very tiring. This challenging condition is creating a new image of marriage.”
  • Author opinion: While most people marry with affection–as they should–marriage, when you observe it across time and place, still concerns the mutual provision and transfer of resources within a formalized sexual unction. That may sound unsexy and old-fashioned, but it’s not untrue. Matrimony has long depended on an exchange based on inequalities between the spouses: He needs shat she has, and vice versa. Many balk at this notion.
  • Author opinion: In an era of increasing options, technology, gender equality, cheap” sex, and secular inaction, fewer people–including fewer practicing Christians–actually want what marriage is. That’s the bottom line.
  • Since the secular inaction of the West feeds on and sustains the flight from marriage, the life of faith is key. But if the church becomes marriage’s primary defender n the West, how exactly do we protect and encourage it for those inside and outside our sanctuaries?
  • When talking to couples who had embraced marriage: “Meeting a mate seemed more likely to occur–or be on its way soon–when our interviewees focused on holiness before loneliness.”
  • Author opinion: Marriage is an earthly arrangement, on that our Lord noted will not be found in the post-resurrection kingdom of God (Matthew 22:30). It’s a tool for material flourishing and a vehicle for spiritual progress that provides daily (if not hourly) opportunities to exhibit sacrificial incarnational love.

Interview with Rob Schenck, President of the Dietrich Bonhoeffer Institute

  • “There was a Faustian deal made with Donald Trump which went something like this: Donald Trump promised, “I will give you everything you’ve ever wanted on your laundry list of political deliverables if you will give me what I want and demand, and that is religious cover. I need you to say that I’m blessed of God and that everything I’ve done is good.”

Going back to the passage from Mark 8 above and combining it with the article on marriage and this video, are we weakened as individuals and as a church when we get the power and influence over culture that we want? Are we better off when we are persecuted and struggling? Isn’t that how the church in Acts grew? Isn’t that how the Israelite nation grew in Exodus? Have we made an idol of political influence? Have we made a idol of our comfort and our own personal agendas? What if you want to make us holy more than to make us happy?

  • The Southern Baptist Convention reports 13 straight years of decline with the last year being the largest (biggest single year decline in more than 100 years)–and Baptists aren’t alone. And the younger the age group the more alarming the drop. Would people be more attracted to the church if they saw it struggling and caring instead of its members yelling and demanding? “Young people especially are leaving Evangelical churches in droves. And why? Because they see the hypocrisy. They see an identification with establishment power. With political force and influence. They are tired of the combat. The social conflict…”

Conclusion

Father, while this is all good sermon material, what do you have here for me? Where do I compromise my call for my comfort? Do I overlook the needs of others because it’s too much work for me? Do I get too involved in seeking influence and compromise my convictions? Do I fail to take a stand for what I feel is right in deference to those who might financially support the nonprofit where I work? Holy Spirit, give me ears to hear, eyes to see, and words to say. Help me to be your influence on those around me through them seeing yours love and glory in me and not my judgment and self-righteousness.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on July 4, 2020 in Miscellaneous

 

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What I would say…

07 Jun

Dear God, I have some relatives graduating and one getting engaged this year. When I was thinking about graduation presents for them, I thought of two things.

For the graduates, I thought of a daily devotion book called My Utmost for His Highest. You know I know this one well. In fact, it was my source for scripture when I first started doing these prayer journals to you 20 years ago. But my history with that book actually goes back closer to 40 years. My dad used it as a daily devotion when I was young, and he gave me a copy of it when I graduated from high school. The inscription reads:

8/27/88

John,

This book has really been meaningful to me as it constantly challenges me to turn loose of the distractions of life and to move into a deeper personal relationship with Jesus. I pray that you will likewise find it helpful in your personal walk with the Lord as you enter an exciting new phase in your life as a Baylor student.

Love,

Dad

I used it regularly my freshman year of college. The weakness in it for me is that its words were written pre World War I by a Brit, and the British language he used in the early 20th century was different than the language we use now. Thankfully, about 30 years ago, James Reimann re-edited it to update the language and it’s even clearer now.

The theology is this book is so solid, but I often found that just reading the daily verse, reading Mr. Chambers’s reflection on it, and then saying a prayer to you didn’t stick with me throughout the day. It wasn’t until I started to journal through the passages starting in April 2000 that your scripture and what you were saying to me through it began to seep into my soul.

So I found this version of the James Reimann edited edition that includes a column for at least writing down some personal reflections. IMG_3111

I ordered one for my niece and my nephew. I pray over these two books, that you will use them along with all of the other tools in your toolbox to draw their hearts into yours and lead them to lives submitted to you.

The second book I ordered was the one that changed the course of my marriage and who I eventually became as a husband to my wife. This one is for the niece who got engaged. It’s called Sacred Marriage and it was written by Gary Thomas. IMG_3112

The subtitle of the book is “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” That question alone gets your attention. Through reading this book and attending a workshop in person with my wife, you revealed to me how much I was depending upon my wife’s and children’s acceptance for my sense of worth instead of simply leaning into you. Ironically (or perhaps, providentially), I encountered this book right about the same time I started doing these prayer journals to you. I know we’ve talked about this a lot before, but I was a needy husband, and my neediness was oppressive to my wife. She could never fill up my “God hole” that I’d allowed to grow without you. I had made her an idol. I became codependent. It was all bad. But Gary helped me to see how you use my wife, my children, and everyone around me to shape me through the giving of myself, not the taking. That simple paradigm shift changed everything, and it helped me to become more disciplined in my pursuit of you as the source of my joy and peace.

So I have these young relatives who are starting new chapters in their lives. They have tremendous opportunities to radically affect the trajectory of their lives through the choices they make now. Who will they be in 10, 20, or 30 years? Well, as an uncle that they know just a little, I hope that what they know of me will give me the credibility to share these two critical tools you used on me and have them receive them as part of the tools you are using on them.

Father, I want to pray over my niece and my nephew right now. I pray for my niece, that she will experience the full measure of who you are. Help her to embrace you completely. Help her fiancé to completely embrace you as well. And as they work out their respective faiths with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12), unite their hearts together completely. Give them mutual respect and help them to turn loose of their expectations of the other. Fill them with so much of your presence that they don’t need to look to the other for their worth. And for my nephew, he has had a rough and confusing few years, but now he’s about to start college. There is a lot of healing to do there. Guide him in into your heart. Hold him close. Raise up people around him whom you will use to strengthen and encourage him. Heal his broken relationships and bring glory to your name through his life.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on June 7, 2020 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (Selected Study Guide Questions)

19 Jan

Dear God, as I finalize what I’m going to do with this home church tonight, I thought I would go through the Sacred Marriage study guide that’s available free online and answer some of the questions for not only myself, but also you.

What has your marriage revealed to you about your sinful attitudes, selfish behaviors, and other character flaws? Why do you think marriage brings so many character issues to the surface?

  • I’ve talked ad nauseum about my neediness that you helped to mostly (not completely) purge from me through marriage. This is what comes to mind first. The change in paradigm to look to you for my wholeness and not to my wife. Well, I don’t know that you used my wife to teach me that, but, thankfully, you taught me that before my neediness destroyed my marriage.
  • I’ve talked about losing some of my selfishness in the interest of serving her and serving my children (without expecting anything in return–that’s important).
  • One of the things my wife, in particular, has taught me is how to appreciate the arts more. Musical theater. Poetry. She is a deep thinker and a very intelligent woman. I used to be very dismissive of the arts, and it was foolish of me.
  • She has modeled forgiveness to me. Not only how she forgives me, but also how she forgives others.
  • She challenges me spiritually by her example of pursuing you. There have been times when I haven’t pursued you like I should, but she has always been an example of steady perseverance.
  • Her self-discipline is quite remarkable and an example to me.

I could go on an on, but I better get to the next question.

How can a discouraged spouse directly apply the admonition to seek God in the midst of disappointments rather than to obsess over where the spouse falls short?

This is obviously the crux of the entire book. The ideal situation is when each spouse pursues a selfless attitude towards their mate. In that situation, one would likely naturally find their needs being met. But when it’s a one-way street, what is someone to do?

The thing I love about this book is that if someone reads it and says, “Boy, my husband/wife needs to read this,” then they’ve missed the point. For millennia people have been in unequally yoked marriages. Outside of an emotionally/physically abusive relationship (which needs intervention and more drastic measures), the answer is that your selfless loving actions will ultimately bring Jesus into your home and to your spouse, and there is a good chance that it evolve a change in your spouse. They will see Jesus in you (and the love, joy, peace, patients, etc.) present in you and then be more likely to respond positively. As opposed to the nagging, preachy spouse that becomes an obstacle to change.

How much time do you spend thinking about how to make your spouse happy, compared to the amount of time you spend thinking about how well your spouse is pleasing you? Do you think your answer is about right, or do you need to do better in this area?

Well, now that I’ve lived with these concepts for nearly 20 years, I think I am fairly close to a good balance. For the most part, I spend more time thinking about blessing her without looking for my benefits. Again, it goes back to loving. And I guess I should put this here because it needs to be said somewhere. My wife does NOT nag me. I weighed over 300 lbs. at one point, and in over 30 years together she has never said one word to me about my weight. She has never suggested I am not attractive to her. It’s a blessing she has given to me that I hope I am getting better about returning to her.

How is any lack of respect or active contempt for your spouse negatively affecting your own life and the lives of your children?

Some questions just shouldn’t be answered out loud. This is one that shouldn’t be answered in a group, but needs to be contemplated. I know my wife and I have tried to show each other respect behind the other’s back, especially with our children. We do our best to not be critical of the other to our parents, our siblings, or our children. I’ve witnessed this kind of negativity. We both have, and it is toxic to everyone involved. This one is a really big deal. No, if we are going over these questions tonight, this is one that needs to just soak in and fester.

How do you want people to describe your marriage at your golden wedding anniversary?

Oh, boy! I’ve always said that I’d love for it to be said of me that I never had a negative things to say about anyone. It won’t be said of me, but I’d love for it to be said of me. For my marriage, I’d love for people to say that they always felt welcome around us. I would want them to reflect on us and see us a serving others and that we lived harmonious lives with each other, yielding to the other whenever possible.

Do you and your mate face the difficulties in your marriage differently? What can you learn from your spouse’s approach? What can your spouse learn from your approach?

YES! Oh, did I say that too loud? I’m not going to say what she can learn from my approach because I have learned so much from hers. Some difficulties we have faced include:

  • Extended unemployment
  • Parenting struggles
  • Relationships with extended family

My approach is usually to be straight ahead confrontational. Hers is to take a beat and see if there is a more loving, less confrontational way to handle it. What I’ve learned from her is to take my desire to confront and package it in a way that enables me to deliver it lovingly. Again, I’m not perfect at it, but I’m better than I was.

The unemployment was a little different. In that case, there was a lot of uncertainty and praying to you. There was also, seemingly, a lot of silence from you. Having her there kept me accountable for moving forward. I can see where I would easily have slipped into a depression if I wouldn’t have had the responsibility of her and my children to keep me going and persevering.

Is there a “file cabinet” in your marriage’s “confessional”? What do you have to do to forgive your spouse and get rid of the filing cabinet?

There is one thing that my wife did that still brings me pain when I think about it. I don’t think about it often, but it really hurts when I do. And she has told me how sorry she is for it. And it happened over seven years ago so you would think that it would be gone. Why have I held onto it? Maybe it’s ego. Hmm. Good question. What do I have to do to forgive her and get rid of that thing? I think it might come down to dying to the part of my ego and pride that were hurt by it. Father, help me to stop thinking that I was too “good” for that to happen to.

How can a husband and wife more consciously invite the presence of God into their marriage?

About the best thing that we do is pray together almost every morning. She also knows when I am having my private prayer time, and I know when she is either having hers or going to the chapel. I think that knowledge is a good affirmation for each of us. Of course, we worship together most Sundays. I think that is important. We are part of a couples group at our church which has been very positive as well. And we talk about what we might be learning at any given time through our personal faith walks. I think one of the big things is that we give each other the freedom to pursue you in our own way, and we approach you very differently.

Consider the effects that these stages of family life can have on ministry:

  • newly married, without children
  • married with toddlers
  • raising teenagers
  • empty nesters

What are the advantages and challenges of each phase of life as it relates to living out your ministry calling?

Maybe I should have started with this question because now that I’m at the “empty nester” stage, I can look back and see all kinds of lessons you taught me along the way. It’s too much to go into here, but each phase has helped to break me, melt me, and mold me. And hopefully with each lesson, I’ve been able to provide you with a vessel that you can fill.

Father, thank you for my marriage. Thank you that you have really changed me for the better through my wife. I pray (literally) that I’ve done the same for her. Help me to be exactly what you need me to be tonight. I’m probably walking into dangerous territory. Let your Holy Spirit be there and help us all to approach our marriages and you in a humble way.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2020 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories, Uncategorized

 

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My Father-In-Law

18 Jan

Dear God, a couple of days ago, I prayed to you about Gary Thomas’s book Sacred Marriage. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I listed to a talk he gave seven or eight years ago (link above). I don’t mean for these prayer journals to become a sales pitch for Gary, but his stuff is really good.

The title of this prayer to you is NOT about my wife’s physical father who happens to live next door to me. No, it’s about you. At about the 29-minute mark of this talk, Thomas said something that really struck a chord with me. YOU are my Father-in-law because YOU are my wife’s father. Thomas said:

If there was a guy who came up to me and said, “Gary, I’m going to give you 10% of my income. I going to memorize your books. I’m going to tell others about you. I’m going to try to get everybody to by your book. But he’s abusing my daughter? He’s neglecting my daughter? I’m going to have one conversation with him and one thing only: ‘Hey, buddy, if you respect me, you take care of my little girl. I have nothing else to say to you.'”

Wow. Conviction. How am I doing? Unlike my earthly father-in-law, who is only next door, you see EVERYTHING I do. You see every inkling of disrespect I give her. You see every little thing I might want to hide from her such as something I want to purchase or even lust. You see any shortness of temper I have. You see how I talk about her to others when she is in the room and when she’s not.

How about my children. I suppose they are your children too. In a way, I am a step-father caring for them on your behalf. How am I doing with your children?

Expand it out. Everyone I meet today is your child. How am I treating your children? Some of them are young. Some are old. Some are wealthy. Some are poor. Some are struggling. All are your children. How will I treat your children today? Will I see them with your eyes and act accordingly?

Father, I am your child too. Thank you. I love you. And I’m really sorry for any failings I might have as a husband to your daughter, a parent to your children, a son to your children, a brother to your children, a friend to your children, and a fellow citizen to your children. Help me to be about loving you by loving all of them as you would have me to.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2020 in Miscellaneous

 

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Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

16 Jan

Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make us Holy more that to Make us Happy? By Gary Thomas

Dear God, I am speaking to a home church this weekend and as I prayed to you and talked to you about what you would have me discuss, this book that I read nearly 20 years ago kept coming to mind. It is the best marriage book I’ve ever read, and its lessons have stuck with me through the years. However, as I’ve sat down a few times over the last few days to try to collect my thoughts and synthesize the message of this book into a lesson, I’ve struggled. There’s so much here. I could almost do a lesson on each chapter. Ultimately, I decided that the best thing to do was to sit down and just talk with you about what it was about this book that meant so much to me 20 years ago.

I think it starts with me being a very needy husband for the first 10-ish years of our marriage. I have two dogs right now, and one of them is very needy. She’s always looking for attention from anyone who will love her. She annoys the heck out of me. I think this is how I was when I got married. I came into marriage very insecure. I grew up witnessing a fairly tumultuous marriage, and I didn’t want to give my wife (and ultimately, my children after they were born) any excuse to not love me or like me. To add to that, I needed that love affirmed all of the time.

My best example is my wife’s first Mother’s Day after our son was born. I did everything for her that day. He was about 10 months old, and I took care of him all day. I made her breakfast in bed. I did everything around the house. I did it all! Later, she told me that all she could think about was how she could never live up to what I had done when Father’s Day came a month later. I wasn’t giving freely out of love for her, and she could tell. I was being needy and giving so that I could receive. That kind of love was very oppressive to her.

One of the first lessons I had to learn was to give her the freedom to feel about me any way that she wished. It was her right to like me or not. I order to do that, I had to find my peace in something else. Yeah, I guess peace is the best word. What is it that we are looking for when we are being needy? When our hearts are unsettled and in search of something? The answer: Peace. When I look for my peace in anything but you (money, sex, wife, fun, job, etc.) that object or activity becomes my idol. Thank you that I ultimately didn’t have to do with my marriage what you almost made Abraham do with his idol, Isaac.

So now that my wife had the freedom from me to like/love me at her own discretion, I needed a new paradigm for my marriage. Providentially, Thomas’s thoughts on marriage came to me just at the right time. If the book came out in 2000, then we probably went to the marriage conference he did in Waco in maybe 2000 or 2001. Just after I started doing the regular prayer journals to you in April 2000.

So what are some of the concepts in this book? Well, the subtitle alone is practically all you need: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? It starts by exposing the lie that undergirds the prosperity gospel message that I deserve to be happy. He’s careful to say that holiness and happiness are not mutually exclusive concepts, but if you pursue happiness through your marriage then you have the wrong frame of mind. “You wont find happiness at the end of a road named selfishness.” (Page 12) Here’s another quote: “Just as celibates use abstinence and religious hermits use isolation, so we can use marriage for the same purpose–to grow in our service, obedience, character, pursuit, and love of God.” (Page 12)

These two quotes, taken to their logical conclusions, give you these chapter titles:

  1. The Greatest Challenge in the World: A Call to Holiness more than Happiness

  2. Romanticism’s Ruse: How Marriage Points us to True Fulfillment

  3. Finding God in Marriage: Marital Analogies Teach Us Truths about God

  4. Learning to Love: How Marriage Teaches Us to Love

  5. Holy Honor: Marriage Teaches Us to Respect Others

  6. The Soul’s Embrace: Good Marriage Can Foster Good Prayer

  7. The Cleansing of Marriage: How Marriage Exposes our Sin

  8. Sacred History: Building the Spiritual Discipline of Perseverance

  9. Sacred Struggle: Embracing Difficulty in Order to Build Character

  10. Falling Forward: Marriage Teaches Us to Forgive

  11. Make Me a Servant: Marriage Can Build in Us a Servant’s Heart

  12. Sexual Saints: Marital Sexuality Can Provide Spiritual Insights and Character Development

  13. Sacred Presence: How Marriage Can Make us more Aware of God’s Presence

  14. Sacred Mission: Marriage Can Develop our Spiritual Calling, Mission, and Purpose

  15. Epilogue: The Holy Couple

It’s ween a while since I read some of these chapters. Nearly 20 years. But each chapter title alone is enough to spark my thoughts. When I was in high school, I asked my dad one time what benefit any parent gets from parenting. Why would someone want to do it. His answer was interesting. Paraphrasing, “The adults I know with no children tend to be some of the most selfish, self-centered people I know because they never had to learn to put someone else’s needs above their own.” Thinking about that concept, I think marriage is supposed to be a building block towards selfLESSness too.

I’ve known my wife for over 30 years, and we are coming up on 28 years of marriage. It’s unbelievable when I look back on how you have used her and our relationship to shape me. You did the same with our children. And you’ve done the same with jobs, friends, church experiences, extended family, etc. But my ability to grow beyond serving my wife out of need and into serving her in love transformed me into being less needy in the other areas of my life too. I am a less needy employee. I am a less needy father. Now I’m not perfect, and there are still times when self-pity comes crashing in on me and I feel the pain of rejection. But I don’t think I would even be able to recognize those failures in myself if I didn’t start by turning loose of my neediness in marriage.

Thankfully, Thomas’ theory worked in my case. His theory is that if both spouses are committed to this selfLESS pursuit of God through marriage then each will find that you are meeting a lot of their needs through the other. Since my wife has embraced this same attitude in our marriage then a terrific balance is created. I honestly don’t know what it would be like to live in a marriage where only one spouse lived this way and the other didn’t. I suppose I could ask my wife because I think she was closer to it those first few years of marriage than I was. But, ultimately, the spouse that pursues you and holiness through their marriage will even be able to be at peace in an unbalanced marriage. To be clear, there are unhealthy situations such as physical or emotional abuse that should not be tolerated, but a simple shift of focus off of myself and onto serving my wife through my pursuit of you in an incredibly liberating thing.

One last thing–the idea of the pursuit of happiness (and I’m still learning to truly live what I’m about to say). I reject the idea that my life and your purpose for my life must be about my happiness. There are some happinesses in life that are denied to me. That’s okay. There were generations of Israelites that were born into slavery, lived in slavery and died in slavery. One result of that is that you built a nation through those years in Egypt. The widow Jesus saw put two coins in the offering went home and likely died as poor as she was when she woke up that morning, but she likely never knew that I would know about her and use her as an example 2,000 years later. Some people do everything right with their children and it still goes wrong. Some people are excellent employees/workers and still go broke. And some are in one-way marriages. The idea that any of these people are not living their best lives because they are experiencing pain is foolish. I don’t know why some of this stuff happens, but mine is not to know why. Mine is to love and worship you, and to do my best with those people and responsibilities you have given to me. The results of all of that are not mine, they are yours. Of course, now that I’ve said those thoughtful, deep things, Father, I pray that you help men to truly live it.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2020 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Solomon — 1 Kings 11:1-13

18 Aug

Now King Solomon loved many foreign women. Besides Pharaoh’s daughter, he married women from Moab, Ammon, Edom, Sidon, and from among the Hittites. The Lord had clearly instructed the people of Israel, “You must not marry them, because they will turn your hearts to their gods.” Yet Solomon insisted on loving them anyway. He had 700 wives of royal birth and 300 concubines. And in fact, they did turn his heart away from the Lord. In Solomon’s old age, they turned his heart to worship other gods instead of being completely faithful to the Lord his God, as his father, David, had been. Solomon worshiped Ashtoreth, the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molech, the detestable god of the Ammonites. In this way, Solomon did what was evil in the Lord’s sight; he refused to follow the Lord completely, as his father, David, had done. On the Mount of Olives, east of Jerusalem, he even built a pagan shrine for Chemosh, the detestable god of Moab, and another for Molech, the detestable god of the Ammonites. Solomon built such shrines for all his foreign wives to use for burning incense and sacrificing to their gods. The Lord was very angry with Solomon, for his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. He had warned Solomon specifically about worshiping other gods, but Solomon did not listen to the Lord’s command. So now the Lord said to him, “Since you have not kept my covenant and have disobeyed my decrees, I will surely tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your servants. But for the sake of your father, David, I will not do this while you are still alive. I will take the kingdom away from your son. And even so, I will not take away the entire kingdom; I will let him be king of one tribe, for the sake of my servant David and for the sake of Jerusalem, my chosen city.”
1 Kings 11:1-13

Dear God, where do I compromise for the love and approval of others?

As the director of a nonprofit in a small town, I try to keep myself politically neutral. I work in a sector where people from all different types of political ideology can appreciate our work to serve the community. The trick becomes that I sometimes allow my desire for neutrality to keep me from supporting or not supporting some cause or political position.

I was actually talking to you about this topic this morning when I was walking the dogs, but more in the way of evangelism and being a witness for you. I was wondering how much more I should be doing to represent you and the 1.) mercy and love you have for us, 2.) the mercy and love you want us to show others, and 3.) the work we need to do to worship and commune with you that will help us to better understand numbers 1 and 2.

Then I got home and opened Facebook. I saw a post from a recently divorced acquaintance from high school who posted a meme about what women want in a man:

Every woman deserves a man who calls her baby, kisses her like he means it, holds her like he never wants to let her go, doesn’t cheat or lie. Wipes her tears when she cries, doesn’t make her jealous of other women, instead makes other women jealous of her. He’s not scared to let his friends know how much he really cares about her, and he tells her he loves her every day.

This harkened back to the sermon by Andy Stanley I was listening to on that walk that happened to talk about relationships. My favorite line in the sermon was (paraphrasing), “We all lie in bed thinking about what we are looking for in Mr. Right or Mrs. Right, but none of us lie in bed and think about how we ourselves can become Mr. Right or Mrs. Right for someone else to find.”

Anyway, I saw this post on Facebook and decided that this might just be a divine appointment, so I commented, “Awkward to post a sermon here, but I listen to this guy out of Atlanta every week, and literally 5 minutes ago I finished listening to this. It’s on the very subject.” And then I posted a link to the podcast. This might not have been the bravest thing I’ve ever done, and maybe no one will listen to it, but it was at least an attempt at sharing your love with a group of people who likely don’t understand it very intimately.

Father, make me the man you need me to be in every way. Both for my wife and children, and for your world. Make it the same man. Let there be no duplicity in me, but just a life that worships you for the grace/mercy you give me and then turns around and gives that same grace/mercy to others. Do it all of your kingdom and your glory.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2019 in 1 Kings, Solomon

 

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What makes something precious?

08 Mar

“It was a different kind of impoverishment for men who had found fellowship in commiseration. Their ‘living thing’ with all its quirks, foibles and peculiarities had become a predictable commodity.”
Fred Smith — “A Living Thing“

 

Dear God, I read Fred Smith’s weekly blog this week, and, as is not unusual, I found something in it that I want to chew on with you for a while. It revolves around this quote I pulled from it and pasted above.

It’s interesting to try and ascribe a rationale for what makes something precious to me. Why do I like what I like, love what I love, and do what I do?

I’ve often wondered what it is about the knowledge that there are two individuals out there who are my children, and that knowledge makes them mean something different to me than anyone else in the world. When they were little and performing on stage, my eye almost never left them. Not because they were that different than the other children (although, of course I thought they were the most talented) but because they were mine. I loved them and I wanted them to see what they had to show the world. I think when it comes down to it, there is something in my brain that triggers and says this person is special to me. They are my child. They are my responsibility. I’m sure you buried that down somewhere deep in me–in all of us. And like the Jaguar owners in Fred’s piece, we get to sit around the Sunday school classes, or workplaces, or dinners with friends and commiserate on how hard parenting is.

There are other things that are precious to me. My wife tops the list. In fact, she is in a special place that even my children don’t quite sit in. I chose her (as she chose me). While my children will always be my children, even if we are out of relationship, my wife and I continue to be married by choice. I’ve had the opportunity to watch her perform on stage as well, and I can say that my eye followed her the whole time too, even though she was pretty much used as a prop on the stage. But what makes her precious? I met her when she was 18 and I was 19. We fell in love (only you know why we had a special chemistry that caused that to happen), but we’ve both changed a lot since then. Staying in love and staying together means rooting for the other, even at our own expense. It means giving the other space to struggle and grow. It means dedication.

I don’t know. I don’t know that I’m really coming up with an answer to my question, “What makes something precious?” When I list the things that are precious to me, my first thoughts go to my wife and children, but then they go to my job and the work you’ve given me to do. They go really to my own life and trying to make sure that, as small and insignificant as it might be in the grand scheme of things, it is used to maximize your will being done and your kingdom coming to earth as it is in heaven. And in the spirit of Fred’s piece about his dad and the Jaguar, I have to admit that the little car I bought a year and a half ago is my most precious material possession. I love that little thing. Not because I get to enjoy it with others. In fact, I enjoy it the most when I am by myself, top down, music loud, and the RPMs between 4,000 and 6,000. But I love that car.

Father, I have a lot of work to do today. Help me to identify what is important to do next. Sometimes it will be the thing that is precious. Sometimes it will be the thing that it hard and not enjoyable. And help me to not put any of those precious things before my love and devotion to you.

In Jesus’ name I pray,

Amen

 

 
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Posted by on March 8, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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