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Dear God, about two years ago, I had to get comfortable with an idea. I was disappointed with you. Disillusioned might be another way to look at it.
I was having lunch with a friend, and I told him about the negative things in my life. I explained to him that I knew that faith in God would not mean a smooth life, but I had found that I did expect some level of protection from the prayers I prayed and the diligence with which I lived my life. I learned the hard way that there aren’t.
At that point, I didn’t have much of a relationship with either of my children. I was in a lot of pain. I explained to my friend that I really thought that my prayers for them and our family, the time I intentionally took to spend with them, the time my wife intentionally spent with them every morning at breakfast studying the Bible, the teach of their Sunday school classes, coaching their soccer teams, etc. would provide some level of protection over them, their relationship with you, and my relationship with them. In the end, however, it didn’t seem to. I was in a terrible place with them. He told me, “It’s hard when we are disappointed by God.”
I had never applied that word to it before. I had examined whether or not I was angry with you, but anger wasn’t the emotion I felt. But with his words, I realized I was indeed disappointed or disillusioned. Realizing that fact started to bring me healing and take me to a new place of letting go and turning them over to you.
When they were young, I used to question people on what it means to turn my children over to God. I have responsibilities as their dad. I have to remain engaged and stalwart in their parenting. I don’t know what “turning them over to God” looks like in that context. Since that conversation with my friend a couple of years ago, I think I’ve gotten a better picture.
The biggest thing I’ve come to is that they do truly have free will. Bad things will happen to them. Others might do bad, or even traumatic, things to them. I might do mean or wrong things to them. How they respond to those things is their choice and no amount of prayer on my part will enable you to override their free will. That is the gift you gave to us that all of your divine power cannot overcome.
The other thing I’ve learned is that there is so much going on than I can see. I really have no idea what is really going on around me. The powers and principalities of this world are nothing compared to the spiritual realm. The tapestry being woven by history is unintelligible to me. Going back to the verse from Hebrews 11:1–that’s where my faith comes in.
Yesterday morning, I got news from a friend that something tragic happened to one of his children. I was in a parking garage nearly 300 miles from home, about to climb into my car and drive home. I instantly wept when I read his message through Facebook Messenger. I wanted to hug him and his wife. I wanted to let them know what I think I’ve learned about releasing the guilt and disappointment. I couldn’t physically do the first because he lives in another part of the country, and I have no idea what they need to hear right now so I wouldn’t dare offer any “advice.” My next concern was for their marriage. It is so hard for a marriage to survive the loss of a child. How will this impact their lives?
Father, all of this is to say that I’m not disappointed by you anymore, but I have learned a little about what to expect and what not to expect. I’m still figuring it out, though. I’m still learning to really understand the last part of the serenity prayer. When there is something I cannot change, the prayer to accept it is a fairly easy one. When there is something I can change, the prayer to have the courage to affect it is an easy one. But the wisdom to know the difference. That’s the tougher nut to crack, and one I feel like I am slowly figuring out. Help my friend and his wife this morning. Help their children and family. Help them in this pain. Touch them gently, hold them close, and speak to them clearly.
In Jesus’ name I pray,
Amen
Emails to God 