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Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

16 Jan

Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make us Holy more that to Make us Happy? By Gary Thomas

Dear God, I am speaking to a home church this weekend and as I prayed to you and talked to you about what you would have me discuss, this book that I read nearly 20 years ago kept coming to mind. It is the best marriage book I’ve ever read, and its lessons have stuck with me through the years. However, as I’ve sat down a few times over the last few days to try to collect my thoughts and synthesize the message of this book into a lesson, I’ve struggled. There’s so much here. I could almost do a lesson on each chapter. Ultimately, I decided that the best thing to do was to sit down and just talk with you about what it was about this book that meant so much to me 20 years ago.

I think it starts with me being a very needy husband for the first 10-ish years of our marriage. I have two dogs right now, and one of them is very needy. She’s always looking for attention from anyone who will love her. She annoys the heck out of me. I think this is how I was when I got married. I came into marriage very insecure. I grew up witnessing a fairly tumultuous marriage, and I didn’t want to give my wife (and ultimately, my children after they were born) any excuse to not love me or like me. To add to that, I needed that love affirmed all of the time.

My best example is my wife’s first Mother’s Day after our son was born. I did everything for her that day. He was about 10 months old, and I took care of him all day. I made her breakfast in bed. I did everything around the house. I did it all! Later, she told me that all she could think about was how she could never live up to what I had done when Father’s Day came a month later. I wasn’t giving freely out of love for her, and she could tell. I was being needy and giving so that I could receive. That kind of love was very oppressive to her.

One of the first lessons I had to learn was to give her the freedom to feel about me any way that she wished. It was her right to like me or not. I order to do that, I had to find my peace in something else. Yeah, I guess peace is the best word. What is it that we are looking for when we are being needy? When our hearts are unsettled and in search of something? The answer: Peace. When I look for my peace in anything but you (money, sex, wife, fun, job, etc.) that object or activity becomes my idol. Thank you that I ultimately didn’t have to do with my marriage what you almost made Abraham do with his idol, Isaac.

So now that my wife had the freedom from me to like/love me at her own discretion, I needed a new paradigm for my marriage. Providentially, Thomas’s thoughts on marriage came to me just at the right time. If the book came out in 2000, then we probably went to the marriage conference he did in Waco in maybe 2000 or 2001. Just after I started doing the regular prayer journals to you in April 2000.

So what are some of the concepts in this book? Well, the subtitle alone is practically all you need: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? It starts by exposing the lie that undergirds the prosperity gospel message that I deserve to be happy. He’s careful to say that holiness and happiness are not mutually exclusive concepts, but if you pursue happiness through your marriage then you have the wrong frame of mind. “You wont find happiness at the end of a road named selfishness.” (Page 12) Here’s another quote: “Just as celibates use abstinence and religious hermits use isolation, so we can use marriage for the same purpose–to grow in our service, obedience, character, pursuit, and love of God.” (Page 12)

These two quotes, taken to their logical conclusions, give you these chapter titles:

  1. The Greatest Challenge in the World: A Call to Holiness more than Happiness

  2. Romanticism’s Ruse: How Marriage Points us to True Fulfillment

  3. Finding God in Marriage: Marital Analogies Teach Us Truths about God

  4. Learning to Love: How Marriage Teaches Us to Love

  5. Holy Honor: Marriage Teaches Us to Respect Others

  6. The Soul’s Embrace: Good Marriage Can Foster Good Prayer

  7. The Cleansing of Marriage: How Marriage Exposes our Sin

  8. Sacred History: Building the Spiritual Discipline of Perseverance

  9. Sacred Struggle: Embracing Difficulty in Order to Build Character

  10. Falling Forward: Marriage Teaches Us to Forgive

  11. Make Me a Servant: Marriage Can Build in Us a Servant’s Heart

  12. Sexual Saints: Marital Sexuality Can Provide Spiritual Insights and Character Development

  13. Sacred Presence: How Marriage Can Make us more Aware of God’s Presence

  14. Sacred Mission: Marriage Can Develop our Spiritual Calling, Mission, and Purpose

  15. Epilogue: The Holy Couple

It’s ween a while since I read some of these chapters. Nearly 20 years. But each chapter title alone is enough to spark my thoughts. When I was in high school, I asked my dad one time what benefit any parent gets from parenting. Why would someone want to do it. His answer was interesting. Paraphrasing, “The adults I know with no children tend to be some of the most selfish, self-centered people I know because they never had to learn to put someone else’s needs above their own.” Thinking about that concept, I think marriage is supposed to be a building block towards selfLESSness too.

I’ve known my wife for over 30 years, and we are coming up on 28 years of marriage. It’s unbelievable when I look back on how you have used her and our relationship to shape me. You did the same with our children. And you’ve done the same with jobs, friends, church experiences, extended family, etc. But my ability to grow beyond serving my wife out of need and into serving her in love transformed me into being less needy in the other areas of my life too. I am a less needy employee. I am a less needy father. Now I’m not perfect, and there are still times when self-pity comes crashing in on me and I feel the pain of rejection. But I don’t think I would even be able to recognize those failures in myself if I didn’t start by turning loose of my neediness in marriage.

Thankfully, Thomas’ theory worked in my case. His theory is that if both spouses are committed to this selfLESS pursuit of God through marriage then each will find that you are meeting a lot of their needs through the other. Since my wife has embraced this same attitude in our marriage then a terrific balance is created. I honestly don’t know what it would be like to live in a marriage where only one spouse lived this way and the other didn’t. I suppose I could ask my wife because I think she was closer to it those first few years of marriage than I was. But, ultimately, the spouse that pursues you and holiness through their marriage will even be able to be at peace in an unbalanced marriage. To be clear, there are unhealthy situations such as physical or emotional abuse that should not be tolerated, but a simple shift of focus off of myself and onto serving my wife through my pursuit of you in an incredibly liberating thing.

One last thing–the idea of the pursuit of happiness (and I’m still learning to truly live what I’m about to say). I reject the idea that my life and your purpose for my life must be about my happiness. There are some happinesses in life that are denied to me. That’s okay. There were generations of Israelites that were born into slavery, lived in slavery and died in slavery. One result of that is that you built a nation through those years in Egypt. The widow Jesus saw put two coins in the offering went home and likely died as poor as she was when she woke up that morning, but she likely never knew that I would know about her and use her as an example 2,000 years later. Some people do everything right with their children and it still goes wrong. Some people are excellent employees/workers and still go broke. And some are in one-way marriages. The idea that any of these people are not living their best lives because they are experiencing pain is foolish. I don’t know why some of this stuff happens, but mine is not to know why. Mine is to love and worship you, and to do my best with those people and responsibilities you have given to me. The results of all of that are not mine, they are yours. Of course, now that I’ve said those thoughtful, deep things, Father, I pray that you help men to truly live it.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2020 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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When People Let You Down

23 Nov

Dear God, being a Baylor fan, it’s been hard over the last four or five years to know whom I should like and whom I shouldn’t. There’s been scandal and I’ve heard conflicting information from various sources. Some have said that one football coach was to blame. Others have blamed the coach, the school president and the athletic director (AD). Some say the board of regents threw the other three under the bus, but the fault lies with them. They haven’t made it easy to be a Baylor fan.

So three years ago, the school hired a new president, AD, and coach. I think I like all three of them, but I have admittedly guarded my heart against them and tried to remain skeptical–especially of the coach. And the coach has made it hard because, even when he went 1-11 in his first year, he sure says things that I like and seems like someone I can trust.

Last Saturday morning, I found the video I linked above. It’s a 20-minute video of the coach speaking at a men’s conference after his first season (1-11) at Baylor. It was strikingly good and seemingly authentic. It spoke to me on a personal level, but it also pushed me closer to allowing myself to trust in him a little more.

Why am I praying to you about this this morning? Well, I woke up thinking about what appropriate trust in others looks like and how we should respond to their failings. When I give this coach, this AD, and/or this president my trust, what am I giving them?

  • I’m willing to donate to the athletic department, trusting that they will use the scholarship money to develop a young person and give them opportunities they wouldn’t otherwise have.
  • I’m willing to cheer and applaud for the team(s), trusting that they are people worthy of my applause.
  • I’m willing to travel to see them play, trusting that they are worth the time I’m giving to cheering them on, win or lose.
  • I’m willing to show my support for them through the clothes I wear, stickers I put on my car, and the flag I hang on my house, trusting that they aren’t doing things of which I would be ashamed. For example, I threw away my Big 12 Championship t-shirt when the scandal broke a few years ago because I just couldn’t wear it anymore.

Of course, the danger is always putting my trust in people and not in you. I’m not looking to Baylor’s athletic performance or how they behave behind the scenes to give me any kind of peace, which can only come from you. That means, when they disappoint me (not on the field, but off of it), I will look to see how they respond.

But back to the video I posted above. I think this video shows me a vulnerability and depth of character and knowledge of you that really encourages me. When a friend of mine listened to it he said, “Wow, he’s a real Christian.” I think that is true. That doesn’t mean that he is incorruptible anymore than I am. In fact, he’s probably more vulnerable because he has a lot more notoriety and power than I have. But I believe he’s the kind of man who will repent after failing instead of pretending like none of it is his fault.

Father, the lesson for me is to love people and be vulnerable myself. If I am going to appreciate someone else, it should be for the character they show, even when they fail. I should not look to them for my joy, but appreciate the work they do to bring your kingdom into the world. Matt Rhule isn’t perfect. He will make mistakes and fail. But I appreciate his willingness to vulnerably represent you. Thank you for his example and for the work you are doing through him, regardless of wins.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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The Four-Way Test

21 Nov

The Rotary Four-Way Test

Of the things we think, say, and do:

  • First, is it the truth?
  • Second, is it fair to all concerned?
  • Third, will it bring good will and better friendships?
  • Fourth, will it be beneficial to all concerned?

Dear God, I joined Rotary over 12 years ago and I’m so glad I did. I’ve learned a lot, and it has been a good way for me to engage in community service outside of the work I do through the social service nonprofit where I work. One of the problems with working in a nonprofit focused on a single issue like healthcare, children or animals is that you can become myopic about your cause and you lose sight of other areas of need in the community. I would imagine that working in a church would present a similar problem.

Being in Rotary, however, exposes me to a variety of service projects. And even the speakers we have will sometimes talk about their social service activities or teach us something new. Frankly, it has also helped expose the nonprofit where I work to the members with whom I serve.

At the end of each meeting, we recite the four-way test I listed above. I’ve actually used this test several times. Years ago, I was in the middle of a crisis with our facility that ultimately resulted in our organization suing the builder. I didn’t want to do it, but their insurance company told us they wouldn’t engage with us until we brought a lawsuit. Through the whole process, however, whenever I had a decision to make or needed to give my advice to our board of directors, I would actively try to run it through this four-way test.

My problem with some Rotary clubs when I visit them is that they add a fifth test–Is it fun? Really? That’s a way to measure whether I should do something or not? I should base my decision making and choices on whether or not something is fun? No. I reject that. I prayed with my wife this morning and told her that a hard thing I had to do yesterday passed the four-way test, but it was not fun. As Fred Smith reminded us in his blog this morning, there is also duty, and oftentimes duty is not fun.

Father, help me to remember that you pretty much gave us a two-way test:

  • Am I loving you with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength?
  • Am I loving my neighbor as myself?

Paul said that a fruit of the Spirit is joy, but nowhere are we told in scripture that joy, fun or happiness should be our pursuit. That is just something Thomas Jefferson threw into the Declaration of Independence. Happiness is fleeting, but joy comes to us from the peace of doing our duty. Help me to do my duty today.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on November 21, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Faithful Grinders

16 Nov

Dear God, it is so important for us to be part of others’ lives. Yesterday, I talked to you about “making old friends” and seeing what surprises there might be in developing relationships with people from my past with whom I didn’t use to have anything in common. Then there’s the other side of the spectrum. It’s those existing old friends who just impress you and inspire you.

Last night, I spent the night with one of the most amazing couples I’ve ever known. The husband was my high school youth minister. I first met them over 32 years ago. I knew them before they were engaged, much less married. Keeping up with them and knowing them now is an unbelievable inspiration. Of course, you know them and their story better than I do, but they they have faced a lot of adversity. They’ve each had significant health problems. And I mean significant. They have lived their children through difficult paths and watched them grow into fine people who love you. They exemplify everything that is true about gifts of the Holy Spirit. They exhibit love, joy, peace… And there is nothing flashy about them. They are still getting up every day and grinding their way through life. They are still facing challenges. But I see zero bitterness. I see no selfishness or self-pity. My goodness, you radiate through them.

Father, help me to be more like you by being more like them. Oh, how I still like to feel sorry for myself. I still like to see the negatives. I’m sorry. Thank you for this couple. Thank you for showing through them that you don’t have to completely remove the struggle from our lives for your joy and peace to be in us. And I’ll add here, please guide them. Provide for them. Help them to feel your love. And help them to see a little of what they contribute to your kingdom through just living their lives and radiating you.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on November 16, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

Making Old Friends

15 Nov

Dear God, I read Fred Smith’s weekly blog this morning, as I do every week, and this week’s post’s title made me think before I even read the piece: “Making Old Friends”

I suppose you could interpret that sentence in several ways, but my first instinct was to think back to high school and wonder if I could ever be close to people I didn’t care for back then. Would the change in us over the years make us more compatible than we were then? Have I written people off because my image of them is that of the 16-year-old they were instead of the 50-year-old they are?

Then there are others I know, but have never taken time to know well. Do I need to take a better look around me and see if there are friendships that you would like me to cultivate for my benefit, their benefit, and the benefit of your kingdom? I’m sure the answer is yes.

There was a man that lived here when I first moved here nearly 14 years ago. He was in his 70s and single so I assume a lot of his actions were driven by loneliness, but he had lunch out almost every day with someone different, including me. He would call me about 10:00 in the morning and invite me to lunch. I’d go out to lunch with others and see him there with someone (almost always someone different). He was a man about town who attended three church services at three different churches very Sunday so he could sing in three choirs. I wonder if I don’t need a little bit more of him in me.

Father, lead me into local relationships here that will help me to grow closer to you and will bless you and those around me. Yesterday, I sat and ate alone in a restaurant for lunch. A little later, a widowed volunteer came in and sat by herself as I was finishing. I wish I had asked he to lunch. I should have thought about her having that need. So open my eyes so that I can see what you are trying to show me.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on November 15, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

“Unreasonable People” by Fred Smith

31 Oct

This prayer was inspired by Fred Smith’s blog post, “Unreasonable People.”

Dear God, Tuesday night I spoke to a group of donors about our nonprofit, and I mentioned the vision you gave our founding director to get involved in her local community and the health of those who couldn’t afford traditional healthcare. You showed her what to do each step of the way, and you answered the faith that she and others that came around her put in you. Now, 27 years later, it is a full-service medical, dental, and counseling clinic with over a $1 million budget that helps thousands of people. It started with one seed and no apparent resources.

Then, yesterday, I introduced some local people to the first nonprofit where I worked back in Waco. Again, your inspiration led four women to change the life trajectories of those living in deep, urban, multigenerational poverty by starting a therapeutic nursery that helps children starting at birth. Once again, they started with nothing but a vision and an inkling of what their next step was.

Then, this morning, I read Fred’s piece about to different pairs of people who had a vision to impact a problem. One was to clean up trash in the ocean (especially plastic) and the other was to do something about the medical debt that crushes people. They didn’t start with money, but just a vision and an idea of what to do next. I don’t know what role faith played in either of their stories, but I’ve noticed some themes.

  • No one did it alone. Even the woman who started our clinic had key people share her vision and partner with her to make it happen. The four women in South Waco had each other. Each of Fred’s stories has pairs of people, not a Lone Ranger (who had Tanto).
  • They started with no resources or apparent way to pay for it. The just did what was next.
  • They were faithful over a long period of time. These weren’t short-term solutions where people just swooped in, fixed it, and left. They committed for the long term.
  • Through their work, you didn’t eliminate the lack of access to healthcare on a grand scale, multigenerational poverty, trash in the ocean, or medical debt. It’s still out there. But you did move the needle through these people.

Part of the talks I give sometimes are about Nehemiah moments. You inspired Nehemiah to do something about Jerusalem in a way that you didn’t inspire anyone else. Then he took that inspiration, got people to come around him, including the king, and support his work. The money came. The resources came. But Nehemiah didn’t start with money and say, “What should I fix?” He started with a vision and then inspired others to join him.

Father, obviously, there is a role for those who have resources to try to figure out how to solve problems. But maybe one of the problems with that paradigm is that it is too easy to go it alone–without partners. It is too easy to try to take control of the process instead of depending on others to help you make it better. In our weakness, you are strong. You make us better through each other. You make us better through the iron of others sharpening us and our iron sharpening them in return. So please help me to have the humility I need to accept the help of others and embrace the process of them making our organization (and, in the process, me) better. Thank you that you don’t just fix things, but that you enter the world through your people. As Chuck Colson said, “Our hope isn’t in who governs us, or what laws we pass, or what great things we do as a nation. Our hope is in the power of God working through the hearts of people. That’s where our hope is in this country. That’s where our hope is in life.”

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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“Deep Dive” by Fred Smith

18 Oct

Please take a moment to read this blog post by Fred Smith before reading my prayer below.

Dear God, reading this blog yesterday morning gave me a lot to think about. It came out on a Thursday morning, and on Wednesdays I meet with a sixth-grade boy in a mentoring program at the local middle school. The boy has some particularly difficult circumstances and I’ll confess that I’ve wondered if I’m doing him any good at all. We get about half an hour a week together and I’ve been talking with him a little while he eats and then playing ping pong with him. I have no idea how he sees our time together, and I’ve been trying to think through if I need to do anything different. Then I read this blog post and it helped me a little. I even sent the link to the leadership of the mentoring program so they could see it too.

So what did I get out of it? I really liked how Fred Smith focused on the depth of character that anchors you in an upright position. It’s the first step to address before you start working about where you are going or how you’re going to get there. Do you have that character to anchor you in an upright position first?

It reminds me of the CPR class I took. When someone is in trauma they told you to remember A-B-C: Airway, Breathing, and Cardiovascular. Is the airway clear? Are they able to breathe? Is their heart pumping? In that order. The leg that is broken and pointed in the wrong direction is unimportant in that moment. First, A-B-C. I think that concept can be applied to this. As his mentor, my first concern should be how I can influence his keel. I don’t need to focus on how he’s doing in his classes or what he wants to be when he grows up. I mean, sure, those are things for us to discuss, but if I don’t spend some time purposefully talking about character things with him then I will be missing the point.

Father, help me to be what you need me to be for him. Now that you’ve given me this insight, help me to seek out people who can teach me how to do it. Show me exactly what you need for me to do for this boy. Do it all for your glory, sweet Jesus, so that he might be a reflection of you and experience your love, joy, and peace.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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The Value in Suffering

03 Oct

The son of one of the nouveau riche, Francis of Assisi, was raised as a spoiled and privileged young man. Imprisoned for a year for being on the losing side of a war with a rival city, his friends noticed a change. He found a little abandoned church and spent whole days there praying. He renounced his inheritance and all claims on his family. 

From “The Inconvenient Elder” by Fred Smith

Dear God, I read Fred Smith’s blog this morning and, while this wasn’t the point of his peace at all, something struck me. It was a follow-up thought to a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. Suffering is an important tool that you use to teach us and help us grow.

In Francis’s case, I knew that he had renounced his family’s wealth out of devotion to you, but I didn’t know that his transformation included a year in prison. Apparently, he got arrested being part of a military expedition (prisoner of war?) and this changed his life. In his older life, I’m sure he regretted his participation in the military expedition, but I also wonder if he was ultimately grateful for the fruit of that suffering. It changed his life.

Isn’t it funny? We all know that the only way we grow is through struggle and yet we do everything we can to avoid it personally, and our temptation is to interfere with our children’s lives so that they will avoid it too. I’m as guilty as anyone. Maybe not as much in my personal life, but certainly at work. I like to build a very comfortable, low-stress environment, sometimes at the expense of expanding our services. I talk a good game, but does my reality reflect what I say I believe?

Father, make me sensitive to any action you’re calling me to. Maybe it will mean struggle for me. Maybe you’re calling our nonprofit to grow and serve more, but my fear keeps it small. Maybe I let my ego and desire to get the approval of others keep me from pushing the envelope. I’m sorry. Give me your vision and the courage to follow it. And please bless my path, not for my comfort, but so that others will be served from you working in my life.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Just Praise

26 Sep

No verse.

Dear God, I come to you this morning just in worship. You have done so much for me, but even if you hadn’t, you would still be my God. You would still the God. You aren’t worthy of my praise because of what you do for me. You are worthy of praise because you are. You told Moses to refer to you to Pharaoh as “I Am.” Well, yes, Father, you are and I love you for it.

Thank you for life. Thank you for giving me a role to play in your world. Thank you for giving me people to love, work to do, and mercy for when I fail you. Thank you for an unbelievably amazing planet on which to live. Even in drought we can have food to eat. Even in floods there is a place to go.

Thank you for the people you have put into my life. Thank you for how you have made me better through my wife, my son, my daughter, my father, my mother, my brother, my sister, my in-laws, my grandparents, my friends, my coworkers over the years, pastors and Bible teachers through the years, and your Holy Spirit.

I am not the man I was yesterday, nor am I yet who I will be tomorrow. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you, Father.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on September 26, 2019 in Miscellaneous

 

Friendship

18 Sep

A few years ago, a colleague mentioned to me that he was going to meet with David Brooks, the New York Times columnist and author of some of my favorite books. I gave my colleague an assignment: “Ask him what he would do with several million dollars. What does he think the world really needs right now?”

A few weeks later, David published his answer in the New York Times, which really surprised me. His answer surprised me, too: “…friendship is not in great shame in America today [so]…I’d try to set up places that would cultivate friendships.”

Why? Friends help each other make good decisions. They bring out the best in each other. They hold each other accountable.

Good friends help each other become better people.

David Rogers, President, H.E. Butt Foundation
Echoes Vol. 4, No. 3

Dear God, I was trying to think of what I wanted to talk to you about this morning when I sat down to breakfast and I saw the latest issue of the H.E. Butt Foundation’s magazine/newsletter on the table. I opened it up with the intent of being inspired, and the first thing I saw on the inside cover was David Rogers’s editorial on the inside cover. The importance of friendship seemed like something good to pray to you about.

Friendships have been harder to achieve as an adult than I thought they would be. It is so easy to isolate. Even when I’m out in public, it is easy to have a hundred casual relationships that at one level are friends, but they certainly aren’t on a deeper level.

I suppose I’m grateful not only for my wife, but also for a friend with whom I visit every week on the phone. We share our lives with each other. We talk about accountability issues. I wish he lived closer, but, on the other hand, if he lived closer would we make the time to visit like we do now? Is the distance actually good for us in how we discipline ourselves to visit?

I don’t know how many levels of friendships there are, but let’s say I break it simply into three: Superficial, Moderate, and Deep. Superficial are the relationships I have with most of the people in this town. They know me, but they don’t really know me. And I’m the same way with them. Moderate friendships are like the ones in my church group. They are people with whom my wife and I meet once a month and we talk about our lives in those settings, but we don’t really see each other outside of that. Then there are the deep friendships, of which I only have a couple. I’m grateful for them, but I wonder if I shouldn’t have more.

Father, help me to find the relationships you want me to have so that you can use me in other men’s lives and so that you can use them in mine. Help us to sharpen each other so that we might be the men you need us to be for our families, our work, and our community. And most of all, for your glory.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2019 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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