My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I will do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen.
Thomas Merton
Dear God, I came across this prayer last night. It was apparently a favorite of an old family friend who recently passed away. It expressed thoughts I’ve often felt but didn’t quite have the words for. It made me just want to sit with it a bit and talk with you about it.
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
There are a lot of times when I am praying that the song “Lord, I Don’t Know” from the Newsboys will come to mind. The chorus starts, “Lord, I don’t know where all this is going or how it all works out.” Frankly, no one knows where they are going. Not one of us. None of us see the road ahead. Not one of us. We have not idea where our road ends. Not one of us. And we do not see where our neighbor’s road ends either. And yet we spend so much time thinking about the future. I spend so much time thinking about how things will work out for me and my loved ones. What will happen with the election? If this person wins or that person wins, what will happen? Frankly, it’s simply not within my purview to focus on that. What will happen at the end of life for my wife and me? Which of us will have to go on without the other? What will happen if I run out of money before I die? What will happen in my children’s lives? My nieces and nephews?
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
Life is a bit of a fog. My mind is a bit of a fog. From the moment all of us are born, we are operating under some level of delusion. We think we have needs we don’t have. We are afraid of things we don’t need to be afraid of. Then we grow and are raised by parents, relatives, friends, teachers, etc. who are living in as much of a fog as we are. Sometimes they teach us wrong things. We have biases. We have secret fears, and we will take shortcuts and sin to protect ourselves. And then we take all of that into the world. I take my confusion and apply it to life.
I’m about to put this set of prayer journals out from the prayers I did to you over biblical characters who were parents. I made a lot of assumptions in there. Some of them might be wrong. I get an idea to do something like put this thing out. Maybe that’s the wrong thing to do. Twenty-two years ago, I felt you call me to quit my job and set out in search of the career you had for me. I felt very much in the middle of your will at that moment. I remember reading something from someone at the time who talked about following your will and they said something to the effect of, “When I did this and absolutely knew I was in the middle of God’s will, after that I was afraid to cross the street if it wasn’t in God’s will.” But how do we know? I make all kinds of decisions every day that may or may not be in your will. I don’t intend to get outside of it, but I do.
My wife told me this week about a project she’s working on, and she told me she realized she had never asked you before she decided to do it. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t have either. I don’t stop and ask for your input on these things nearly often enough.
But I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
I do believe that earnestness goes a long way. I suppose I have to believe that. If I don’t think you look at my genuine love for you and, instead, look only on my actual actions and decisions then there is no hope. When my children were little, if they did something wrong but it was for the right reason then it was a lot easier to overlook. If, however, it was intentionally malicious then there was hopefully a lesson to be learned about motive, integrity, and empathy. Even being here this morning, praying before you, I have a long day ahead. I am having breakfast with a friend in a couple of hours. I’m working a water booth at a festival after that. Then I’ll do other things and talk to other people. I have all kinds of opportunities to be dishonoring to you and to get outside of your plan. But I can tell you right now that my desire is to simply love you and represent your presence in this world through my little life.
And I know that if I will do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
This is where faith comes in. When I did my “Parents of the Bible” series, one of the things that became very clear is that no one knew how things would turn out. Hagar didn’t know how things were going to play out for her and Ishmael. Naomi didn’t know how things would turn out after losing her husband and sons. Zechariah and Elizabeth didn’t know how things were turn out for John the Baptist and Jesus. And I have zero idea what is happening on the road I’m on right now. But I am trusting you that this road for me, my wife, my children, and others I love is the right road for your plan. It’s all I have. Atheists would say I am using my faith as a crutch, and perhaps I am. But you are a crutch I’ve reasoned myself towards. You’re an educated crutch. And it’s ironic that the closer I find myself growing to you the more I feel the fruit of your Holy Spirit growing in me. But yes, even when I am in the valley of the shadow of death, I am trusting this is the path for me, and that you have made it resistant to whatever mistakes I make.
Therefore I will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Speaking of the valley of the shadow of death, here it is in the prayer. This part about you never leaving me to face my perils alone reminds me of the poem “Footprints in the Sand.”
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
Father, there are times when I really need you to carry me. And there are other times when I am ready to put my feet down and get to work. As I enter this week of vacation, I think there is a little of both ahead of me. I could use some carrying and comfort. But I also think this might be an opportunity to make some progress on some personal things you’re asking me to do. But it all starts with me being here in your presence, with a heart that is flawed but earnest. With a life that can be selfish but repentant. With a heart that is afraid, but learning to trust you. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. All that I am, for all that you are.
I pray this in Jesus and with your Holy Spirit,
Amen
Emails to God 