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“Proud Corazon” by Anthony Gonzalez

Say that I’m crazy or call me a fool
But last night, it seemed that I dreamed about you

When I opened my mouth, what came out was a song
And you knew every word and we all sang along

To a melody played on the strings of our souls
And a rhythm that rattled us down to the bone

Our love for each other will live on forever
In every beat of my proud corazón

¡Ay mi familia! ¡Oiga mi gente!
Canten a coro, let it be known
Our love for each other will live on forever
In every beat of my proud corazón

Written by Adrian Molina (lyrics) and Germaine Franco (composer)

Dear God, I was playing this song for some extended family last night and I had it going in my head when I woke up this morning. I thought I would sit in my sadness with it a while and bring that sadness to you. You said that those who mourn would be comforted. Please comfort me now.

I have a couple of family relationships that are completely broken and it hurts. It is a hole in my heart. Sometimes, like even right now, it brings tears to my eyes. But I’ve accepted that maybe, at least for now, this is the path you have for all of us so that you can get us to the place you want us to be. I don’t want to get in the way of your plan for them or for me just because I selfishly want them back in my life. No one ever said (besides prosperity gospel preachers) that my life wouldn’t have pain. In fact, Jesus started off the beatitudes with being poor in spirit and mourning. He knew we would experience that.

And now that I’m sitting here in this sadness, I am thinking about the sadness in Ukraine over people being randomly killed by rockets being indiscriminately fired at them. Their family. I think about those is Palestine and Israel who have experienced incredible pain and loss. I think about the families here being separated by immigration rules that need reformed. I think about the pain of people who have family members with addiction issues. Parents who are fighting and don’t love each other. Parents who are drug-addicted and CPS is having to intervene. Yes, there is a lot of mourning out there. Yes, there is a lot of pain. Yes, there is a lot of those who are poor in spirit.

So I go to this song. It’s from the movie Coco. And I’ll say up front that the theology presented in Coco is not good, but I don’t really care about that in this moment. The movie is beautiful. As this song wraps up the movie, and as I listened to it last night, the part about dreaming really hit me. There are two people about whom you give me dreams. I’ll say the dreams are from you anyway. Even though our relationship is completely fractured, every time I dream of them they are good dreams. They are dreams filled with love and mercy. Forgiveness. Repentance. Hugs. Tears. I usually wake up from those dreams with tears in my eyes. I’m grateful for those dreams. Thank you for them.

Father, I pray for restoration of the relationships that are possible on this side of life. It’s too short to reject family love. But regardless, for the people who have loss through death and the people who will not see the restoration of relationship on this side of life, I pray for an eternity that, within your will, will be spent together worshipping and serving you.

I pray this in Jesus and with your Holy Spirit,

Amen

Grief, Support, and Judgment

31 Aug

Dear God, I just read an essay by Lisa Marie Presley as printed by People Magazine. It touched me on a few levels. It touched me as a parent who, in many ways, feels like I failed. It touched me as a parent who has been through the loss of a child (through miscarriage). It touched me as a parent who has felt judged by others for things that, on one hand, I judge myself, but, on the other hand, feel like they were due to circumstances beyond my control. It touched me as a fellow sojourner with Ms. Presley. She’s two years older than me. Her son was one year older than my son is now when he died.

One of the tragedies in our divided nation right now is that we tend to judge each other a lot more easily than we support each other. Even within your Church, we judge each other. I prayed the other day about whether or not people in different political parties were able to all be part of your Body at the same time. We can be mean, but I wonder how much of that meanness is fueled by our own insecurities, mourning, and sin. Ms. Presley mentioned the importance of support groups. She said that they didn’t take away the grief, but at least they took away some of the loneliness. I can see that. As a parent who struggled, I could have used more support group help.

I talked with someone yesterday who was struggling with her own parenting issues, both as a parent and as a grandparent. There’s real pain there. There was also a real sense that she didn’t know what to do next or how to respond to the situation at hand. She was doing the best she could in each moment–with each decision–trying to figure out what you need from her and her husband as spouses for each other, parents, and grandparents. It’s not easy.

Father, I could go on an on. I feel like I could probably type nonstop about this for at least an hour. More and more thoughts just keep coming into my head. But it comes down to this. I need–we need–the Holy Spirit to guide us beyond what we can see and help us to make the decisions that must be made in what is darkness to us, but complete light to you. Please help us. Help our children. Our grandchildren. Help us as spouses. Help us to mourn. Help us to use the mourning and the scars it leaves to take your light into the world–especially to others who mourn. Let us be your comfort to them. Fill their loneliness through our lives. And fill our loneliness through the lives of others. For the pain we are experiencing, please make it count. Make it count for your glory. And I’d also like to pray for Ms. Presley. Don’t let her pain be wasted. Use it in some way, even through this essay she beautifully wrote, to help someone. And ease her pain. Give her peace. Help her to find you and your heart in the midst of this and use her life for your glory.

I pray this through the power of Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection,

Amen

“Vulnerable Conversation with Toby Mac about Grief and Loss”

23 Jan

“I started to learn to laugh, even in the first week a little bit, but not laugh as deeply, you know?” I don’t know if I’ll ever laugh as deeply. I don’t know if I’ll ever smile as big. But I can smile, and I can laugh. I don’t know if it will ever be–until eternity–if it will ever be fully.” (2:50 mark of video)

Dear God, I heard this interview yesterday and it struck a chord with me. Especially this quote. Especially as a parent, I think when we go through some sort of loss, whether it is a wayward child, a broken relationship, or the tragedy of death, when we are apart from them for any negative reason, I don’t think it’s ever possible to laugh as deeply or smile as big. There is always a cloud. Always an omnipresent pit in my stomach. I’m just grateful that you are omnipresent as well.

In the Bible in a Year podcast I’m listening to, they were covering the part of the Joseph story in Genesis where Judah is pleading with Joseph for Benjamin’s life (Genesis 44:18-34). Judah describes Jacob’s pain, and it reminds me of what Toby was saying in the video above. This brash, conniving, manipulating scoundrel was devastated by Joseph’s loss. Judah couldn’t bear to watch him lose Benjamin too.

I guess I had this sort of loss for about 10 years now. Neither of my children died, but I’ve been in some state of brokenness with one of both of them constantly over that time. And it’s true, what Toby said. I can laugh again, but it’s never been as deep. And I’ve smiled, but it’s never been as big. Mercifully, at least up to this point, the difference is that I have a hope that restoration is still possible. My time with them on this side of heaven is not sealed and lost forever. That’s why I pray for them. That’s why I hope. That’s why I burn candles. That’s why I worship. As Toby also said right before the quote above, you find us in the pit (or we find you there). If our pain is omnipresent, so are you.

Father, I pray for Toby and his wife. I pray for the rest of their family as well. I pray for my own family. Comfort and guide all of us. I am trusting that this is the path you need for all of us to walk to ultimately work your own wonder in each of our lives. Thank you for continuously sitting with me in this pain. Thank you for raising up people around me, including my wife, who are an encouragement and comfort to me. Thank you for loving me, my wife, and my children so completely.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

	Number 6:22-27 \| Ema… on Jonathan Roumie Quote
	cwpayton on What Gives Me Hope?
	cwpayton on Luke 21:1-4
	Pam Cotten on What Gives Me Hope?
	Ron Sutton on Ephesians 6:10-12

Emails to God

Tag Archives: Grief

“Proud Corazon” by Anthony Gonzalez

Grief, Support, and Judgment

“Vulnerable Conversation with Toby Mac about Grief and Loss”

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