Emails to God

4 When Mordecai learned of all that had been done, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes, and went out into the city, wailing loudly and bitterly. ² But he went only as far as the king’s gate, because no one clothed in sackcloth was allowed to enter it. ³ In every province to which the edict and order of the king came, there was great mourning among the Jews, with fasting, weeping and wailing. Many lay in sackcloth and ashes.

⁴ When Esther’s eunuchs and female attendants came and told her about Mordecai, she was in great distress. She sent clothes for him to put on instead of his sackcloth, but he would not accept them. ⁵ Then Esther summoned Hathak, one of the king’s eunuchs assigned to attend her, and ordered him to find out what was troubling Mordecai and why.

⁶ So Hathak went out to Mordecai in the open square of the city in front of the king’s gate. ⁷ Mordecai told him everything that had happened to him, including the exact amount of money Haman had promised to pay into the royal treasury for the destruction of the Jews. ⁸ He also gave him a copy of the text of the edict for their annihilation, which had been published in Susa, to show to Esther and explain it to her, and he told him to instruct her to go into the king’s presence to beg for mercy and plead with him for her people.

Dear God, I wonder how responsible Mordecai was feeling for all of this. I know he was distressed about him and his people losing their lives, but how much of his “wailing loudly and bitterly” was over the fact that he was the one who had caused Haman to do this? If he had had it to do over again, would he have bowed down to Haman instead of resisting? If he had bowed down in the first place, would Esther’s name be lost to history?

Sometimes we decide to take a stand in our lives with or without the knowledge of what the consequences of that stand will be. I make a stand with my children that they don’t like. I know I am doing it for their good, but it will anger them to not get their way in that given instance. What will be the result of that anger? Will they submit to my authority or will it plant a spirit of rebelliousness in their hearts? George W. Bush decided to draw a line in the sand after 9-11 and say that the United States would stop being defensive in nature in terms of responding to terrorists, and instead become offensive. While that decision has kept further attacks from happening on our soil, there have certainly been consequences to that decision.

Father, I guess my thing is that I want to make good, informed decisions as much as I can, but in the times when there is no way for me to know the consequences of my actions, I want to be able to tap into your wisdom and discernment. I am in no way suggesting that what Mordecai did in not bowing to Haman was the wrong thing to do. I am only saying that it hd consequences and you provided for those consequences. You provided Esther before the issue even arose. So I ask that you will guide me and save me from my own foolishness. Protect me from my mistakes and selfishness. Use my life how you will.

¹⁹ When the virgins were assembled a second time, Mordecai was sitting at the king’s gate. ²⁰ But Esther had kept secret her family background and nationality just as Mordecai had told her to do, for she continued to follow Mordecai’s instructions as she had done when he was bringing her up.

²¹ During the time Mordecai was sitting at the king’s gate, Bigthana and Teresh, two of the king’s officers who guarded the doorway, became angry and conspired to assassinate King Xerxes. ²² But Mordecai found out about the plot and told Queen Esther, who in turn reported it to the king, giving credit to Mordecai. ²³ And when the report was investigated and found to be true, the two officials were impaled on poles. All this was recorded in the book of the annals in the presence of the king.

Dear God, there are interesting cause and effect principles in play here. We think of this being the story of how the Jews were saved through Esther being made queen, but let’s play a “what if”. What if Esther had told people she was Jewish? What if she was expelled from the virgin competition over it? What if Mordecai weren’t sitting by the gate to check up on Esther? What if the two guards had succeeded? Well, if Mordecai had not been there then he would have had to bow down to Haman later and the Jewish people wouldn’t have been targeted. So is this the story about the saving of the Jewish people or the story of how Xerxes was saved, but in doing that the Jewish people needed to be saved too?

Of course, there is no way to answer any of this. History is history. John F. Kennedy was president during the Bay of Pigs and the Cuban Missile Crisis instead of Nixon (by a narrow vote). George W. Bush was president on September 11 instead of Al Gore (by a narrower vote). Were those elections providential? Perhaps. But we’ll never know. History is what it is.

My wife read a Stephen King book that plays the “what if” game regarding Kennedy’s assassination. What if the Lee Harvey Oswald had been stopped? How would history be different. It’s fund to consider, but we could send ourselves in circles chasing the answers when those same answers wouldn’t change our reality today.

Father, history is what it is. That includes my personal life. I chose the college I chose. I chose the jobs and cities I chose. I chose the wife I chose. I make hundreds of little decisions each day. Any one of them could change the course of a life. So I offer all of the paranoia I might be tempted to fall into to you and ask that you please be with me in the decisions I will make today. Make them as pure and selfless as possible. And please don’t let any of my mistakes do too much harm.