“She Used To Be Mine” by Sara Bareilles
It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
Dear God, it’s been almost 12 years since I first saw the movie Waitress.
As I recall, my wife and I were on a date day where I took a day off and we went to a movie. I don’t think I knew much about the movie before I went to see it, but it turned out to be much more sobering than I expected it to be. The surprising foundational topic is that, ultimately, it’s about domestic violence and a woman who is emotionally and physically abused by her husband and how she ultimately deals with it. I’m not sure I agree with the line in the poster above that it is “This Year’s Most Delicious Romantic Comedy.” It was a surprisingly charming movie given the weightiness of the topic, but I have never thought of it as a comedy.
Fast ten years, and my wife and I were able to see the Broadway musical version that Sara Bareilles wrote.
I am a huge Sara Bareilles fan so I was instantly interested, but I was also curious to see how she would turn this movie into a musical. Frankly, there were parts of the musical I liked more than others, but the quintessential anthem of the program was this song, “She Used To Be Mine.”
But before I get into the song, I’m struck by a difference between the tag line on the musical poster vs. the movie poster: “It only takes a taste.” At first, you would think it is referencing the pies that the character makes. But there’s a lot of hidden meaning there. For the main character, Jenna, she has become so beaten down, afraid, and seemingly trapped that she has completely lost her sense of what life used to be, but a couple of things happen throughout the movie and musical to give her a taste of what she use to have and what life can be if she will set her face to the wind and escape.
That brings me to the lyrics. This song is heartrending. I want to look at it one stanza at a time:
It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
My wife taught me about poetry’s efficiency of language. One word or phrase can communicate more than thousands of words. That last line about the pie shop and its customers taking more than she intended to give communicates so much about how all of our lives can just slip away if we let them. I’ve been sitting here trying to put my understanding of this into words and I can’t articulate it. The poetry communicates beyond my linguistic ability.
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
I love how Ms. Bareilles uses the phrase, “I was never attention’s sweet center.” Lovely imagery there. But the singer is disappointed, hurt, angry…it’s hard to know which word to put with the idea that “it’s not easy to know I’m not anything like I used to be.” I just know we are getting this image of a woman who has been completely broken down and isn’t even starting over at zero. She is behind bars and trapped. In this case, she will ultimately have the ability to get out, but so many don’t.
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
The thought that comes to me as I read this reminds me of my prayer yesterday about 1 John 3. We are all a paradox. Where there is freedom at coming to peace with ourselves is through the acceptance of this paradox, learning to see ourselves through your eyes thanks to the redemptive blood and resurrection of Jesus, and then pressing on further into you.
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
This is the part of the song that starts to become story-specific. The combination of her life choices and the crimes committed against her have lead her to where she is. The “now I’ve got you” can refer to both the unwanted pregnancy she is carrying (the baby will only tie her down, keep her trapped in her marriage, and make it harder to leave) and to herself and the person she is that she doesn’t like. She wants to just go back and start over and use the wisdom she has now to make different choices earlier.
This part is probably the most powerful part of the song. I’ve known a lot of people who made choices in middle school and high school, or even college or later, that were foolish. Part of it was through damage that was done to them as they were growing up, but now they are on a path that seems irreversible.
Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine
The interesting thing about this story (both movie and musical) is how the pregnancy emboldens her and helps her to find her strength. The maternal instinct ignites her “to fight just a little” and “bring[s] back the fire in her eyes.”
I guess I’ll close with this thought. Underage sex trafficking has been hitting my radar a lot lately through different stories I’ve been reading. It’s a bigger problem than anyone realizes, with a study by the University of Texas published two years ago estimating that there are 79,000 underage victims actively being trafficked in Texas alone. I talked to a friend about this yesterday as I asked him about some ideas I have to address the issue in our community. I think of these young girls and boys being victimized. I think of them being trapped and sold. This song is for them too. This is an evil that must be stopped.
Father, I want to end this prayer by pleading for victims of domestic violence, sexual abuse, human trafficking, and all other forms of desperate slavery. Please move powerfully. Move through the church. Move through your people. Move through me. Show me what you want me to do and foil the plans of Satan and all those who promote this evil. Bring them into repentance and bring your healing to their victims as well as to them. This prayer feels inadequate, but you know my heart. Holy Spirit, please pray for this and help to make these prayers what they need to be.
In Jesus’ name I pray,
Amen
Emails to God 