“Chapter 10 is about ‘home,’ and about how we’re all looking for it even if we’re running from it, and the home that awaits us that we can taste and sample now. Maybe because my relationship with ‘home’ is complicated because I grew up with a tumultuous childhood. That was the one, for me that, this chapter, I don’t think I’m done with it even though I think I’m done with it.”
Hannah Miller King on The Esau McCauley Podcast, Episode “Lent After Loss: What Christian Hope Really Looks Like”
Dear God, I was listening to The Esau McCauley Podcast for this week yesterday when I heard Hannah Miller King say the quote above. It brought me to tears. I found myself in my truck, crying and repenting. This little 60-second, if that, soundbite drilled into my heart and found a piece of pain.
I have pain around home. I have loved ones who would fit this description of looking for home in the midst of running from home. And maybe they’ve found what they’re looking for out there. But seeing the home they ran from and the pain that caused brought me to tears. I found myself praying for them. I found myself praying that they would find home and find that home in you. I prayed that they would forgive their past and be healed from it. Then I was repenting for any role I played in their pain, known or unknown. I’m not a proud man. I’m humbled before you.
I suppose that’s what the Lenten season is about. Getting to know different parts of ourselves that need to be seen, repented of, and then redeemed by you. Corrected. Eliminated. And the more transparent I am with you the more humble I’m able to be with others.
While I’m here, I suppose I should think about my own search for home. What is home, anyway? I think it’s that place where you’re supposed to feel safety and rest. And let’s face it, there aren’t many places in this world, even in the houses in which we live, where many people can say they find safety and rest there. I’m fortunate that I can say I find safety and rest here with my wife but even that is fragile. We are just one illness or accident away from losing that rest and sense of safety. We are one tragedy from outside of our home that might impact us. No, if I make this house and the life my wife and I have built my source of safety and rest then it will fail me. That idol will fail me. I can’t put that kind of pressure on her. She can be a way that you provide for my emotional sense of safety and rest, but she cannot be the source of it. And I can’t be that for her.
Father, I pray for my loved ones, that they will find their home in you. If they haven’t found you then I know they’ll be searching for home and nothing they find will ever quite satisfy. This kind of plays into what I talked about yesterday with the pure in heart being able to see you. To use the quote again, “The pure in heart should be known more for their God-attentiveness than their sin-avoidance.” I pray that it would start with me. I need to be more about attentiveness to you than a puritanical lifestyle. You will drive those things out of me. I can see you doing it. So I give over any idol worship I’ve given to these loved ones. Any sense that my home is found in them. My home is in you. Help me to live that and then share that concept with others.
I pray this in Jesus and with your Holy Spirit,
Amen
Emails to God 