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Category Archives: Musings and Stories

“How could my heart turn away? Jesus, I love you.”

31 Jul

“How could my heart turn away? Jesus, I love you.”

Dear God, these were the words in a praise song I was singing at a worship service last night that…well, I don’t know how to say it. I guess I questioned whether I really meant it: “Jesus, I love you.” I love the Trinity. I love all three persons that make up your being. And I am really, really grateful for Jesus’s example, life, and then sacrifice of death for my sins. I truly am. And I do love Jesus. But I guess there are always those difficult things that Jesus did that I don’t understand. Maybe I’m still not at peace with them.

I wonder if this is why I never imagine myself praying to Jesus when I pray. I pray in my heart to the Father. I pray in my heart to the Holy Spirit–that part of the Trinity which Jesus said he would send to help us. I guess, theologically, I’ve wondered if we haven’t put too much emphasis on Jesus’s current role in our daily lives and accidentally deemphasized the part of your nature that you sent to dwell in us–the Holy Spirit. Your Holy Spirit.

I told a friend today that I’ve been feeling a little dry spiritually lately. It probably has something to do with the resurgence of some souring family relationships that break my heart. It might even have something to do with the dog days of summer and just how oppressive hot, cloudless, rainless days over and over again can be. But it’s in times like this that I think it’s important to keep showing up. Keep worshipping you–both corporately and privately. Keep praying. Keep serving. I guess that’s the point Mother Teresa got to in her life. Apparently, she felt a separation from you she never overcame. I’m certainly not in that kind of place, thankfully. I wonder if hers was a result of just seeing so much human suffering with human eyes. That can be hard to square with a loving God in our own wisdom. Sometimes, I think the reason some Christians keep themselves in a protective bubble is because it is easier to understand you in that context. It is the suffering, both experienced and witnessed, that can be hard (see Job and his friends). But it can also be what brings us to a whole new level of faith (see Job).

Father, I love you. Jesus, I love you. Holy Spirit, I love you. I don’t fully or even mostly understand the Trinity and your make-up, but I know that I am a grateful man who lays himself before you.

With all my love, and through the grace of Jesus I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

“A River Runs Through It” by Norman Maclean

15 Jul
Norman Maclean

“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them – we can love completely without complete understanding.”

― Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It and Other Stories

Dear God, a friend gave me this quote to read yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes. I saw this moving about 30 years ago, but I’ve never read the book. I think I need to read the book.

I feel eluded and it both frustrates and hurts. But how much do I reject the love and help you long to give me sometimes? How often do I misinterpret what you did out of love as something you did against me? You are a good God. You are a good Father. You long to give me good gifts.

I’m watching a mother I know right now who has a special-needs child. She is aching for her child. She is doing whatever she can for him. Spending any amount of money and resources for him. That child will never understand a tenth of what she has done for him or is doing for him. There’s no way he can. What will happen one day if that child rejects the help the mother is offering? How much will that hurt her.

I am reminded of the story I mentioned a few weeks ago that Andy Stanley told about his young child who scratched the hood of his car “practicing her letters.” There was no way for her to know what that mistake cost Andy and his wife, and she had no way of repaying that mistake. She needed complete grace.

I’ve had wrongs done to me and I’ve done wrongs to others. Some debts accrued from some of the mistakes I’ve made cannot be repaid. I have no capacity to repay them. It’s impossible. And the wrongs done to me cannot be repaid. There is no way to deal with the wrongs in a just way. They simply need forgiveness.

So now I’m left with a need for grace extended to me. I’m left with love to offer, but, in some cases, it is not wanted. So, Holy Spirit, I’m asking you right now for some of the things I’m experiencing: What, if anything, is needed? I’ll do whatever you ask no matter what it costs me. I really will. And I ask that, if I am too close to the situation to offer assistance–if “the part [I] have to give is not wanted”–please raise up others who can meet that need. Use this pain. Don’t let it be wasted. Use it in a lot of lives. Be glorified, O Lord. Whatever it costs me, I don’t care. Be glorified, O Lord.

I humbly pray this in your Holy Name,

Amen

 
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Posted by on July 15, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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“Has Christianity Done More Harm Than Good?” John Dickson

03 Jul
This is a link to Andy Stanley’s interview with John Dickson about Christianity’s impact on history. I recommend the entire interview, but the parts I am referencing start at the 38:50 mark.

Dear God, I just finished listening to this interview Andy Stanley with North Point Community Church did with John Dickson. Apparently, about 15 years ago in Australia, there was a debate between people who think religion has harmed the world (particularly Christianity) and those who thought it had helped the world. In pre- and post-debate surveys, the overwhelming consensus among the attendees was that it had harmed the world. The debate did nothing to move the needle. How sad.

The tools Jesus gave us

I could go on an on about the interview and what he said, but if there is anyone who actually reads these prayers I do to you, I highly recommend listening to the entire interview. With that said, at the 38:50 mark, they start talking about one of his main theses in the book. It is that Jesus gave us a very limited set of tool to use to transform the world around us.

  • Prayer
  • Service
  • Persuasion
  • Suffering

It feels like the American church today has added influence and power to that list. Why? Because we are afraid, I think. I think we are afraid of not being able to persuade. I think we don’t really believe in our message to the point we can articulate it and offer it to others. No, the easiest thing to do is force them into our way of thinking. To gain power over them. To protect ourselves from them by any earthly means necessary. We have forgotten that we’ve already won the war. Satan might win today’s battle. Someone might harm me in some way because of my beliefs, and I might feel like I lost today. But I have won. I have won in you. I have won my loving you with all of my heart and loving others.

It’s the singer, not the song

The other thing that struck me (to the point of giving me chills) comes at the 43:15 mark. Dickson talks compares Jesus’s Christianity with a genius piece of music, “Bach’s Cello Suite in G Major, Prelude.” Jesus’s Christianity, even more so than Bach’s piece, of course, is perfect. What Jesus aspired us to through faith in him was perfect. It was attractive to humans because it was so good. The problem has been people’s interpretation of it ever since. If Jesus’ Christianity is the song, then Christians are the singer.

Dickson took two cello lessons and then recorded himself trying to play the Bach piece. It was lacking, to say the least. It didn’t communicate the intricate nuances or the beautiful structure Bach wrote. In short, he butchered it. But then he played a professional cellist (maybe Yo Yo Ma, I don’t know) playing it the way it is supposed to be played and the brilliance of the piece is obvious, even to the most novice of listeners.

To quote Mr. Dickson from the interview: “If you have been hurt by the church or by an individual Christian, it’s because Christians haven’t played the melody. It’s not because the melody isn’t beautiful. And I reckon, if you have been hurt by the church, every genuine Christian in this building and watching on would want to say to you straight and look you in the eye and say, “We are sorry. We are sorry that we haven’t loved like Christ loved us. And we beg you, despite our poor performance, to see if you can hear the melody again: ‘Love your enemies.’ ‘Do good to those who hate you.’ ‘Bless those who mistreat you.’ A melody Jesus took all the way to his cross for us.”

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, there are times when I want to use more power and influence to expedite me getting my way. Prayer, service, persuasion, and suffering are too slow. But at the end of the day, they are all you gave me. They are the only tool you gave me. And as soon as I start trying to use other tools I start playing notes to a different melody than the Christianity Jesus taught us. I am sorry. Hel me to be patient in your victory and to lean all of the way into prayer, service, persuasion, and suffering as the only melody I try to play for your glory–for your kingdom to come and your will to be done on earth as it is in heaven.

I pray this through Jesus’ name because he taught us how to love you and he gave everything so I could be here this morning,

Amen

 
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Posted by on July 3, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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What does my sin cost?

13 Jun

Dear God, I was listening to a sermon from Andy Stanley this morning, and he used an illustration that was excellent. He was trying to frame the idea of what my sin costs God and how I can’t relate to it, and he used an illustration of his daughter from when she was three years old. Apparently, he had bought a new car and it was a really pretty deep green. He came out one morning and saw scratches on the hood. They were deep scratches that went all of the way through the paint. He was certain one of his children had done it through he process of elimination, so he marched the three kids out to the garage and put them next to the car. That’s when his three-year-old daughter looked at him and said (in a three-year-old voice), “Daddy, I practiced my letters on your car with a rock.” Stunned he sat there and wondered how to communicate the value of her mistake to her. He looked closer and could see that the scratches were capital A’s. How could she understand what it would cost him to fix this? There was no way for her to pay for it. There was no way for her to comprehend it. He said he knelt down and simply told her, “Please, don’t practice your letters on Daddy’s car again.” She said, “Yes, sir, Daddy,” and went away to play.

Father, I am this simple child. I have no idea how to even know what my sin really costs you in the way of how I harm others, myself, or your plan. But I will do my best to take your instruction from your Holy Spirit as I go and be grateful for the forgiveness Jesus offers through his life, death, and resurrection. Thank you, Father. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I pray all of this through that grace which you so richly gave me,

Amen

 
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Posted by on June 13, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Atheistic Faith

26 May

Dear God, I know I talked about this a week or two ago, but I just saw this shirt video about the age of the universe and I couldn’t help but think about it again. As humans, we really don’t like to know. When we speak of and identify the idols in our lives, we should always start with ourselves.

People were really angry when Covid first came on the scene and we didn’t have adequate tests or testing capacity. We don’t like there being something we don’t know or can’t figure out. Then we got the vaccine, but it wasn’t perfect. It had some isolated side effects. That made us angry too. We should be smart enough and developed enough to not have to worry about these things. Our intellect and economy—even our government and military—replaced you as the things we really put our faith in. That’s what we lean on for peace in our hearts.

Then there are the atheists who insist you aren’t there and all of this can be explained through nature, as if you aren’t the author of the nature they are discovering. I wonder if it comes down to the idea that if they acknowledge you are there then they have to deal with you at some level. They have to reckon with you, and they can’t allow themselves to do that.

Father, as I know and embrace some of these people, help me to let them see you through my life. Make me your ambassador. And also help me to identify the remaining idols in my life, identify them specifically, and then purge them as I love you with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

I pray this in your holy Name,

Amen

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Thank you / F*** you

25 May

Dear God, I’m going to follow up on the episode of Ted Lasso I mentioned last night because I’ve been thinking about it a little more–okay, a lot more.

There is a part where one character is asked what he would say to another one if he could. He responded, “F*** you.” Then he was asked if there was anything else he would say. He said, “Yeah. Thank you.” This was right before he was encouraged to forgive because of the benefits to himself (see yesterday’s prayer). Later, the character asking the question ended up having a conversation with someone he was hurt by and just started saying, “Thank you for…” and then, “F*** you for…” This went on for a couple of minutes, but it cleared the air on some things.

So I was lying in bed last night and thinking about the things I need to forgive and as well as the forgiveness that needs to be extended to me. In terms of the wrongs done to me–the justice that needs to be served on my behalf–I thought about sitting down today and writing a “Thank you/F*** you” list. Two columns on a sheet of paper. Thank yous on the left and f*** yous on the right. Would that be cathartic for me? I imagined some of the things I would start to write down in each column. How would that feel? Is that what I need? Will that help me let go?

Then I thought about you. What about your list for me? What about the final judgment and when I stand before you. Will there be a long “f*** you” list in your hands as you look at me? What could I possibly say or do in front of you and your list for me? I am doomed.

But that’s not what you did or will do. You made this amazing sacrifice for me. You did the most extraordinary thing for me. You didn’t only send a sacrifice. You sent part of you to earth. You came through a birth canal just like I did. You grew up poorer than I did. You suffered greater than I ever have. You submitted to all of that and then death, just so I could stand before you at the final judgment–so I could sit here before you even now–and worship you. Is the f*** you list there? Yes. Does it exist? You bet. Do I add to it every day? Unfortunately, yes. But here’s the thing. You can’t see that list. It just as well be as far from you as the east is from the west because you can’t see it through Jesus’s blood. I am redeemed. I don’t have anything to win or prove. It’s amazing.

Father, I don’t need to see the f*** you list I could develop for others any more than you need to see the one you have for me. When I see them–when I think of them–all I need to see is them through Jesus. As much as my sins can be as far as the east is from the west, so can their trespasses against me be from me. I am redeemed. They are redeemed. We are redeemed. Help me to truly forgive, and let that forgiveness–your forgiveness–enter the world, at least a little bit, through my life as it is submitted to you.

I pray all of this through the blood of Jesus,

Amen

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Fundraising Dinner

01 May

Dear God, I could go and try to find a scripture to go with what’s on my heart this morning, but the truth is that I just want to pray to you about the fundraising dinner tomorrow night for the nonprofit where I work. I didn’t sleep well last night. I think it was over worrying how it will go. When I was thinking about it and praying silently as I got ready for work this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that it isn’t about how much money we raise. It’s about how much glory you get and how we use the opportunity to bless others through their involvement in our patients’ lives.

So my prayer to you for tomorrow night is not about how much money we are going to raise. I have goals that I’ve put in the budget, but the truth is that the donations are not the end. They are the means. The end is people experiencing love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self control through their participation in our work. The end is that people would see loving their neighbor in a different light. The means to get there is joyfully giving to your causes, whether it is our nonprofit or others. The means is to lay down our selfishness and our burdens, take up your cross and follow you. That’s what I hope our dinner can be about tomorrow night.

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, I offer you my worship this morning. Help me to give generously. Help me to understand what it means to really live the life you’re calling me to live. Help me to love my wife well. Help me to love my children well. Help me to love my family, friends, and neighbors well. I give you all of the glory for everything you are doing. I take none of it for myself. In fact, the more I can decrease over the next 48 hours the better. Be glorified, oh Lord.

I pray all of this under your authority and grace,

Amen

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

God Wins

23 Apr

Dear God, the other day I was writing down what I was thankful for to a friend and I found myself saying, “God wins!” It’s been a hard week of loss. It’s been a sad week. It’s been an absolutely tragic week for one family I know. So what did I mean by, “God wins!”

I think it starts with the idea that our human view often sees winning as a zero sum game. If I win, that means someone else has to lose. If I get elevated then someone else gets put under me. Yes, there are win/win situations, but in life the world sees winning as power, control, and, ultimately, happiness. “If I’m not winning then I’m not happy.”

Almost three years ago, in August 2020, Andy Stanley gave a sermon that really struck a chord with me. It was called “Not In It To Win It.”

It was about the political environment and how the electorate had become intent on winning at the other side’s expense, and how Christians were getting caught up in this worldly view of winning. He went on to describe what you mean by winning. He talked about Jesus heading to Jerusalem for what would be his beating, crucifixion and resurrection. To the world–especially before the Sunday resurrection–this looked like losing. To the disciples it looked like losing too. But in your calculus, everything happened the way it should happen so I could win.

My wife and I have a great sorrow in our own lives. It’s a situation we don’t understand. Frankly, it feels like losing. It feels like we have lost huge. But we were talking about it recently and wondering what kinds of people we would be right now without this “loss.” Who would we be? Would we be more judgmental of others? Would we be proud and haughty? Would we be as dependent upon you? Are you using this “losing” in not only our lives, but in the lives of those who are part of our sorrow as well? My hope is in the idea that you didn’t cause this pain, but you are certainly using it to form us all into who you long for us to be in you and for your purposes.

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, I pray that you will not let the pain and sorrow of this week be wasted. For everyone who has touched this story, heal them. Love them. Draw them into yourself. Comfort them. Grow them. Protect them. Protect marriages, siblings, friends, and extended family of those involved. Use this for your good in our community. Show me my role. Please, don’t let this be wasted.

I pray all of this in your holy name,

Amen

 
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Posted by on April 23, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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The Christmas Story as Seen by Bono

15 Apr

“The Christmas story has a crazy good plot with an even crazier premise – the idea goes, if there is a force of love and logic behind the universe, then how amazing would it be if that incomprehensible power chose to express itself as a child born in shit and straw poverty.” Bono

Dear God, it really isn’t the plan I’d have come up with at all. In fact, I just don’t understand how you could have come up with it except that it must have been the only way. No, I’d have done it differently. I’m not sure how, but it would have been less loving, less sacrificial, and less vulnerable. I’d have put limits on how much I was willing to suffer for humankind. For someone like me.

The people then just wanted you to do what they needed in the moment–overthrow Rome. That would have been too short-sighted and limiting for what you needed to accomplish. Your plan was so rich and all-encompassing. It not only provided a path for all humanity to commune with you and worship you, but it also used Jesus’s example and teaching to show us how to live. And yes, he grew up poor too. That’s pretty interesting.

Father, I confess to you that my love has limits. My love for you, my wife, and my children has limits. I’m only capable of so much. I’m continuously amazed, however, at just how big my love for you, my wife, and my children is. It’s more than I could ever have imagined it could be. But seeing how richly you love, how willingly you sacrifice, and how vulnerably you entered the world makes me want to worship you all the more. I have nothing without you. Thank you.

I pray to you through the opportunity you grant me through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus,

Amen

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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The Next Generation

14 Apr

Dear God, I was reading Fred Smith’s blog post from yesterday and many thoughts came to mind. I would commend it to anyone. In it, he was describing how the Baby Boomer generation has responded to life through the decades and what kind of legacy it is currently leaving. Of course, things like this are always brushed with a broad stroke, and Fred would be the first to say that. In fact, he took time to talk about the “Boomers” who do not fit the stereotype, but the stereotype is there nonetheless.

One of my first thoughts is that the “Greatest Generation” is all but gone. Those that are still around are certainly weakened and their influence diminished. In my mind, the thing that defined the Greatest Generation the most was their struggle to survive. They survived the Great Depression. They survived World War II. They were forged by fire They were tempered. I’m not saying they were perfect. I’m not saying I idealize or idolize them. But I do think they had a strength as a group that grew through trial.

I also wondered if the disaster of the Vietnam War and its execution combined with the civil unrest with racism in the 60s didn’t create a new culture of protesting that has stuck with them and filtered down to the other generations today. I don’t know how many protests there were before the 1960s. I mean, I know there were protests before that. But did those that are in their 60s and 70s now embrace them in a new way as they expressed their anger and outrage? Did they see this as their best way to affect change? Their only way? Has this pattern of displaying anger to get your way somehow become baked into our political and other disagreements even today?

Incidentally, and speaking of Vietnam and the war there, I learned something interesting yesterday. There was a remarkable three-month period in 1973 that is fascinating. Richard Nixon was inaugurated for his second term on January 20. Lyndon Johnson, his predecessor and a president who expanded the war in Vietnam died on January 22. The U.S. signed a treaty to withdraw from South Vietnam on January 27. The U.S. removed the last of its troops on March 27. Finally, after the withdrawal, the South Vietnam president visited the US in April to seek assurances of financial and military aid from Nixon and pay respects at the LBJ’s grave.

But back on topic. This spirit of deciding that yelling is the best way to get your voice heard seems to have now won the day in our society. The idea that if I tell you how angry you’ve made me will get you to change course has drowned out constructive dialogue, and it seems to have seeped into Generation X (my generation) as well. I’m not saying the protests were wrong. I’m not saying the anger at the time was wrong. But the hammer of yelling, protesting, etc. seems to be the preferred tool for those who are trying to influence society or even their own communities or families now. I’ll admit that I’ve done it and used it too often. I’m sorry for that.

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, help me to see that most things are not a nail, and my hammer is rarely the tool I need to address the issue in front of me. Help me to see that most issues are actually born of brokenness and broken people, and the tool I need to use more frequently is compassion and love. I need to listen better and talk less. I need to listen to you first. I need to hear your Holy Spirit in real time so that I can be who you need me to be. I need to worship you and till the soil of my heart. I need to be at peace knowing that there is actually very little that bothers me that I can affect, but there are all kinds of things I can do every day to allow your presence to enter the world through me. So forgive me for my belligerence, and let your kingdom come and your will be done on earth as it is in heaven through my life.

I pray all of this as I worship you, the God of the universe,

Amen

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2023 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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