Dear God, I don’t really have a verse to go with this thought today. Or, better said, I’m not starting with a verse today. I’ve just had a thought festering in my mind for the last two or three weeks that I wanted to work out this morning (not that I’ll get to any real resolution because I’m too ignorant to get that far).
I have a friend’s funeral today. She was a precious woman. She was loved by her family. It was a long struggle for her with various ailments. In and out of hospitals. In and out of physical rehab facilities. A real concern for how she would be cared for after her mom passed. And now her mom has outlived her. Her mom has other children facing physical ailments. Her mom is unbelievably strong and resilient, having survived her own bout with serious cancer about five years ago. And here she is now, burying her daughter today. I cannot imagine how her heart must be breaking right now, even as I type these words.
So my friends life was precious. Her life brought some of your presence into the world. Her life was not cheap. Or was it? It seems like lately, on an aggregate scale, we have started to treat human lives as cheap. I read yesterday that 40,000 Palestinians have died in Gaza in the last 16 months. Even if that number is inflated and only half that many have died, how can we just blink and move on when we here that that many lives have been snuffed out unnecessarily. Then there were the Jewish lives that were snuffed out in a day back in October 2023. Then I read another story yesterday that the Russians are taking the North Korean off of the front lines in Dursk because of their heavy losses. As I understand it, these North Korean soldiers were literally cannon fodder. But each one was a life. Each one was a soul. then there are all of the Ukrainians who have died over the last three years simply because a leader in one country decided he wanted their land as his own. Tens of thousands (hundreds of thousands on both sides?) dead at one man’s whim. And now in our own country, people groups are being marginalized and discriminated against. Racism has reared its ugly head, and people are judging others–bullying others–based simply on the color of their skin. We don’t see these lives as precious. We see them as cheap and something to be exploited for our own advancement.
But what if my life, in the end, is that cheap too? What if it is simply not important that I continue to live? Yes, it would leave a hole like any one of the other hundreds of thousands of people I’ve mentioned here left holes. Just as my precious friend leaves a hole this week. But in the end, am I not just 1/8-billionth of the current population of the earth?
Father, in the end, the value I add is that I get to worship you and the bring your kingdom and your will into this world my treating the lives around me as precious as you treat them. To love them. To encourage them. Maybe to admonish them, but lovingly. Love my neighbor as myself? Well, I think my life is precious, so I think what that really means is that I see each person’s life as being as precious as my life is. Life is not cheap. Their lives are not cheap. At the same time, I could die today and leave the hole that all of us leave because while life is not cheap, it is certainly fleeting. Even a life lived to 100 is still such a small piece of history. So help me to feel the value you place on me, respect and appreciate the value you place on us all, and then act on that. And please comfort the family and friends of my friend who died. She was loved by us. She is loved by you. She is precious still.
Dear God, this video really struck me this morning. It was the part at the 1:50 mark when he started talking about how he allowed himself to buy into the icon he had become and it simply turned him into a “jerk.” I’m not sure why it resonated with me so much. Perhaps there’s some me in there. I mean, I’m not famous, but I’m small-town famous. A lot of people in our small town know who I am and I get a lot of acclaim for the work I do vocationally. And I can feel the temptation to start to lean into that. Not that I am a “jerk” to others. I legitimately don’t think I am. But I can start to feel pretty influential and important. I can start to feel like the town needs me. And, frankly, I can start to think I’m the one doing these things and forget to give you the credit and glory you deserve over me.
This kind of feeds into what I was praying yesterday about how small we are. I am 1/7-billionth of the world. I am 1/360-millionth of this country. I am 1/27,000th of this county. I am 1/11,000th of this town. And I couldn’t do anything on my own. I can’t do it without you, first and foremost. The way you love me and nurture my soul. The way you speak into my life through the Bible, family and friends, and even videos like the one I mentioned above. In my times of prayer like now. I am not who I am, and I cannot do what I do apart from you. My wife is amazing and patient with me. Supportive. Honest. Prayerful. Then there are the people who work with me. I get so much credit for the great work they do. When it comes to helping our clients, they are the heroes. And then there are donors and volunteers who make our work possible. None of that is me. It’s all them sharing their resources with their neighbors. It’s must my job to help them feel joy from that. Your joy. Then there are the agencies who partner with us to help the different parts of our patients’ lives. We cannot do it in isolation. Even the greatest person on this planet (who would still be the least in the Kingdom of Heaven–Matthew 11) would not be able to say they have done it on their own. No one can.
Father, I’m not sure why this keeps coming up as a theme lately, but it truly feels like you are trying to teach me something. Holy Spirit, whisper in my hear. Speak to me through your still, small voice. Help me to be who you want me to be. You you need me to be for my own good and for the good of your creation. So that your kingdom will come and your will will be done on this earth through my little 1/7-billionth.
I want to share this video with my Emails to God subscribers.
First, thank you for subscribing and taking the time to read any of my prayer journals. I have been doing them for almost 25 years in one form or another, and, if it is appropriate for you, I hope they are an inspiration for you to do your own prayer journals or something similar as you deepen your discipleship in Jesus. Spending time with God in this way has changed my life.
In the video, Megan and I take on the “wings of death” (okay, Megan used cauliflower and I used chicken nuggets) Hot Ones style (while suffering quite a bit towards the end), and discuss the new projects and also obscure facts about us not many other people know. This is our fun homage to Hot Ones and the best in the business, Sean Evans. Please support Hot Ones and First We Feast through the links below.
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Dear God, a lot of denominations celebrate Epiphany today. The corresponding biblical story is that of the wise men from the east coming to pay homage to the new King of the Jews. There are a couple of interesting things about this story, including the fact that they seemed to be more interested in finding Jesus than the Chief Priests in Jerusalem were. Of course, that was a good thing for your plan. You didn’t need the Chief Priests gumming up the works and complicating things. But still, where was their curiosity? Why did they ignore what the wise men were saying?
I was a little confused as to the use of the word epiphany for this story. I think of epiphany as being defined by something that is finally understood or realized in my mind. Kind of an, “Oh, now I get it!” moment. I didn’t see that in this story. So I did what other 21st-century Americans do. I Googled it. According to Google’s AI, here is the explanation: “The church calls the feast day “Epiphany” because the word comes from the Greek “epiphaneia” which means “manifestation” or “appearance,” referring to the moment when Jesus was revealed to the world, most notably through the visit of the wise men (Magi) to the baby Jesus, signifying his divinity to the gentiles.”
So, yeah, I guess this was kind of the beginning for the Gentiles to have their, “Oh, now I get it!” moment with knowing you and the Jewish people to have their, “Oh, now I get it!” moment with understanding you don’t only love them but all of us. Not that all Gentiles or Jewish people even currently have that view, but this was the beginning of that revelation.
Father, I have some people in my life who could use some special epiphanies today. Each one who is on my mind right now needs to have your heart for the others revealed to them. Guide them. Love them. Do something more miraculous than I can imagine, which shouldn’t be hard because what I can imagine is so small. But be bigger than any of us know you can be. Be more powerful. Bring love. Bring mercy. Bring repentance. Bring comfort. Bring healing. Reveal yourself to each person individually and collectively. Move the needle in every life today that is touching this situation. Bring glory to yourself, and lead all of us into worship of you for the great things you have done, are doing right now, and will continue to do. For the greatness that you are.
Dear God, on this Christmas morning, I want to spend some time with Eve and Mary. With this image. I want to see myself in Eve. I want to embody the shame on her face. The clutching of the apple. The serpent wrapped around her legs, ready to trip her. She is us. She is all of us. She is Adam. She is Abraham. She is David and Solomon. She is Peter. She is Paul. Frankly, she is even Mary and Joseph.
I think I mentioned this a couple of days ago, but I heard an Orthodox priest say last week that the Incarnation actually happened with Mary’s visit from Gabriel. The birth was the forthcoming of the incarnation, but the plan was officially in motion at that point. At least the part of the plan we can see.
But how am I like Eve, as depicted here by Sister Grace Remington? I come to you with a mixture of shame and wonder. She knows what she did. I know what I’ve done–mostly. Some things I’ve done wrong that I don’t even know, but I know I’ve failed you, myself, and others around me. And then to reach out at marvel at what is inside of Mary. To wonder what exactly it means. Not even Mary and Joseph knew exactly what the unborn Jesus would mean to them and to the world.
I see Satan trying to wrap himself around me. To hold me back. To trip me. To strike at my heel. To keep me from you. That is, after all his ultimate goal: to keep me from you.
Mary is holding Eve’s hand and her shoulder. Fellow sojourners. Fellow mothers. One with an awesome responsibility and yet in as much need as Eve. Mary is linked to Eve and Adam as much as I am. They are part of me. Their legacy lives on in me and the rest of us. And I don’t judge them. I love them. I appreciate them. I appreciate their strengths and their weaknesses. Their vulnerabilities.
Of course, Mary is crushing the serpent’s head with her foot. Some non-Catholics might take exception to this, but I don’t see this as Mary doing this, but the act of her obedience to play a role in the Incarnation as doing it. That’s what this process is about. That thing that is wrapped around me legs, that tries to keep me from you, is destroyed. Killed. If only I will ask the child Mary once carried inside of her to do it for me.
Eve doesn’t want to let go of the apple just yet. Yes, I have sins that I hold onto. I’m better. I think I’m better. I think I’ve let go of a lot of it. Help me, Father, to let go of all of it.
Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, as I sit here on this Christmas morning, I find myself really being grateful. First, you did something very kind for my wife and me last night. Thank you. We really needed it. Take this little life of mine and use it to love others today, tomorrow, and for as long as it draws breath–and even beyond.
I pray to the Father in Jesus and with your Holy Spirit,
Dear God, I want to quote the movie Jesus Revolution. I was thinking about it this morning after I just saw a headline on my news feed from a reddit thread called “Am I the A*****?” It’s a place online where people bring their anger and hatred and look for redemption and affirmation among others who are angry and bitter. For some reason, when I saw it I thought back to this scene in Jesus Revolution. This is just a little clip, but it doesn’t have everything I was looking for. It cuts off just a little too soon:
Lonnie Frisbee is talking to Chuck Smith, the more traditional pastor. He’s explaining the hippies to Chuck:
“It reminds me of the words of Jesus: ‘To what then can I compare this generation? What are they like?’
“I was up in San Francisco for long time, living in in Haight Ashbury. In the Streets. All over. Man, we did everything and everyone. But that was the point. You see, the drugs. It’s a quest…For God.”
I look around me now as I enter this season of advent and I see people putting their faith in so many things. It might not be drugs. It might be a politician or political power. It might be money. It might be sex. And those idols start to let them down so they get angry. They get so angry. That’s what it feels like to me right now. It feels like I see so many people who are angry, and they are looking for you. They just don’t know they are looking for you.
My wife and I were talking yesterday about different forms of prosperity gospel. Some are more obvious and some more subtle. The more obvious ones say, “Do X and God will give you success.” Usually money. The more subtle ones will tell you that there is a formula for a successful life. This is one I bought into for a while until I was disillusioned. I was worshipping you, but I expected you to deliver me the family life I wanted. I wasn’t as focused on career, but I had an ideal of what a family could and should be, and I was incredibly disappointed in you when it didn’t turn out that way.
Of course, the reaction to an idol that disappoints us isn’t always anger. It can be depression too. Isn’t it interesting that more people in developed countries need antidepressants than those who live in undeveloped nations? We have everything at our fingertips while the person in the undeveloped nation has to struggle for something as basic as clean water. And yet we are the ones who suffer from anxiety at a higher rate. My uneducated guess is that they simply don’t have time to worry. They just struggle. It’s also interesting that those are the areas of the world where your church is growing. I know I always grow more when I am struggling.
So now I am waiting on Jesus during this season of Advent. I feel like I should maybe be doing something special here like I did with Lent. I’m not sure what that is, however. I have a devotion on the way that I will see if it helps. That’s what I did for Lent. But I know I want to continue to root out my own idols, expose them, reject them, and banish them. I want to be at peace with the path you have for me. I want to be willing to risk everything for you. Not my family, of course, because they are your highest calling to me. But if doing what you want me to do costs me reputation, money, comfort, security, etc., then I want to be willing to put that on the table. Thoughtfully. Prayerfully. Intentionally. I want to do exactly what you want me to do. Use the next 25 days to transform me into the next step of who you want me to be.
"Something Wicked" by Callie Feyenleaves sweep across the street
and branches bend
the wind
messes with papers
birds can't fly right
windows slam without human touch
car doors fling open
hair goes everywhere and nowhere
when the rain comes it falls sideways
maybe that's a summer wind
maybe that wind means well
an over exuberant child begging
to be put in the game
the winter wind
acts like it's won
bullys with icy breath
that picks at your legs
through your jacket
to your stomach
straight to the heart
winter wind acts like change will never come again
acts like it can wipe out anything and everything
doesn't want the world to remember
that even in a barren land
what falls
always leaves remnants
waiting to grow again
ready to converge with what rises**[Feyen's note] Everything That Rises Must Converge by Flannery O’Connor is my new favorite title, and a phrase I wonder about now most of my days.
Dear God, I read this poem this morning when I woke up, and it made me think about the wind in a different way. Living in Texas, summertime wind is almost always welcome as it helps cool things off. The town I live in was intentionally laid out on a Northwest/Southeast axis so that when the south wind blows it will come in the windows of two sides of the house and not just one. We need the wind in the summer to make being outside tolerable. It is our friend. It combines with the sweat that comes out of me to cool me. The closer my skin is to the wind the better. At the same time we are welcoming the wind, we are shielding ourselves from the sun. Shade is a premium. Trees. Tents. Gazebos. Even a cloudy day is a welcome sight in the summer. The temperature difference between being in the sun and being in the shade is huge. So, to summarize, summertime = wind/good + sun/bad.
The winter is opposite. For the short times of the year we experience winter down here, we shield ourselves from the wind. Even this morning, we had the windows open overnight and the study was chilly when I walked in. The ceiling fan was on because it runs 24/7 from March through November. But as I sat down, I realized I needed to turn off the fan. Even the small breeze from a ceiling fan on medium speed was not welcome in my study this morning. As the days will turn colder, I will shield myself from the wind. On the really cold days, I might even cover my face. The wind will hurt my skin. It will steal my warmth and run away. But I will seek out the sun. I’ll prefer to be in it rather than under a tree. I’ll open the shade that covers the moon roof of my truck for six months of the year. I will seek warmth because nature will be doing everything it can to take it from me. So, to summarize, wintertime = wind/bad + sun/good.
All of this leads me into the metaphor for my life. When I read Feyen’s poem this morning, it made me think of the winters of my life that can come in and bully the summer away. And sometimes it seems like that winter will last forever. I want protection from it. When things are good my temptation is to pray less and just live for myself more. But winter reminds me that I need your protection from the wind. I need your sun (Son?) to warm me. I need to clothe myself in prayer, godly inputs, and positive relationships. Summer requires self-discipline to remember to worship you and thank you for what I have, but winter drives me to you. And sometimes my self-discipline fails and I need to be driven to you. I need to be reminded I need you for my very breath. Winter has its place in my life. So I don’t fight it. I just clothe myself in you and see out your Son.
Father, form me today. In the words of the song “Spirit of the Living God,” break me, melt me, mold me, fill me. And let your presence, your Holy Spirit, fall afresh on me.
God, we thank you for the inspiration of Jesus. Grant that we will love you with all our hearts, souls, and minds, and love our neighbors as we love ourselves, even our enemy neighbors. And we ask you, God, in these days of emotional tension, when the problems of the world are gigantic in extent and chaotic in detail, to be with us in our going out and our coming in, in our rising up and in our lying down, in our moments of joy and in our moments of sorrow, until the day when there shall be no sunset and no dawn. Amen.”
Dear God, my wife read me this prayer last night, so I decided to find it and capture it for this morning. It seemed appropriate.
So, Father, I thank you for the inspiration of Jesus. I thank you for grace and mercy through Jesus. I thank you that you cannot see my sin through Jesus’s blood. Thank you that Jesus actually lived among us and taught us so much. Thank you that he showed us your way.
Help me to love you with everything I have today. My heart, that it will be healed and worship you through that healing. My mind, that it will be discerning and wise and look to see your direction for me in every moment. My strength, that I will take the body you’ve given me and use it as a blessing for others in your power. And my soul, that I will take the redeemed core you gave me and offer it to you as a living sacrifice that it might be shared with others.
Help me to love every person I come across today, both in-person and in my thoughts. Help me to love them with my words. Help me to love them with my actions. Help me to love sacrificially. Help me to love generously. That includes people who are at cross purposes with me. That includes people who frustrate me. Help me to be everything you want me to be for them. And of course, it includes my wife. Love her through me.
And walk with me today. Through every situation I encounter, be very present and there. Make me mindful of you and that I am taking you into the world. That you want to use me and your church that we might be your kingdom and will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Let there be peace today. Let there be peace around our nation. Let there be peace in Ukraine. Let there be peace in the Middle East. Let there be peace in Africa and South America. Let there be peace in North and Central American countries that refugees are fleeing. Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I will do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen.
Thomas Merton
Dear God, I came across this prayer last night. It was apparently a favorite of an old family friend who recently passed away. It expressed thoughts I’ve often felt but didn’t quite have the words for. It made me just want to sit with it a bit and talk with you about it.
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
There are a lot of times when I am praying that the song “Lord, I Don’t Know” from the Newsboys will come to mind. The chorus starts, “Lord, I don’t know where all this is going or how it all works out.” Frankly, no one knows where they are going. Not one of us. None of us see the road ahead. Not one of us. We have not idea where our road ends. Not one of us. And we do not see where our neighbor’s road ends either. And yet we spend so much time thinking about the future. I spend so much time thinking about how things will work out for me and my loved ones. What will happen with the election? If this person wins or that person wins, what will happen? Frankly, it’s simply not within my purview to focus on that. What will happen at the end of life for my wife and me? Which of us will have to go on without the other? What will happen if I run out of money before I die? What will happen in my children’s lives? My nieces and nephews?
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
Life is a bit of a fog. My mind is a bit of a fog. From the moment all of us are born, we are operating under some level of delusion. We think we have needs we don’t have. We are afraid of things we don’t need to be afraid of. Then we grow and are raised by parents, relatives, friends, teachers, etc. who are living in as much of a fog as we are. Sometimes they teach us wrong things. We have biases. We have secret fears, and we will take shortcuts and sin to protect ourselves. And then we take all of that into the world. I take my confusion and apply it to life.
I’m about to put this set of prayer journals out from the prayers I did to you over biblical characters who were parents. I made a lot of assumptions in there. Some of them might be wrong. I get an idea to do something like put this thing out. Maybe that’s the wrong thing to do. Twenty-two years ago, I felt you call me to quit my job and set out in search of the career you had for me. I felt very much in the middle of your will at that moment. I remember reading something from someone at the time who talked about following your will and they said something to the effect of, “When I did this and absolutely knew I was in the middle of God’s will, after that I was afraid to cross the street if it wasn’t in God’s will.” But how do we know? I make all kinds of decisions every day that may or may not be in your will. I don’t intend to get outside of it, but I do.
My wife told me this week about a project she’s working on, and she told me she realized she had never asked you before she decided to do it. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t have either. I don’t stop and ask for your input on these things nearly often enough.
But I believe that the desire to please you does, in fact, please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
I do believe that earnestness goes a long way. I suppose I have to believe that. If I don’t think you look at my genuine love for you and, instead, look only on my actual actions and decisions then there is no hope. When my children were little, if they did something wrong but it was for the right reason then it was a lot easier to overlook. If, however, it was intentionally malicious then there was hopefully a lesson to be learned about motive, integrity, and empathy. Even being here this morning, praying before you, I have a long day ahead. I am having breakfast with a friend in a couple of hours. I’m working a water booth at a festival after that. Then I’ll do other things and talk to other people. I have all kinds of opportunities to be dishonoring to you and to get outside of your plan. But I can tell you right now that my desire is to simply love you and represent your presence in this world through my little life.
And I know that if I will do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
This is where faith comes in. When I did my “Parents of the Bible” series, one of the things that became very clear is that no one knew how things would turn out. Hagar didn’t know how things were going to play out for her and Ishmael. Naomi didn’t know how things would turn out after losing her husband and sons. Zechariah and Elizabeth didn’t know how things were turn out for John the Baptist and Jesus. And I have zero idea what is happening on the road I’m on right now. But I am trusting you that this road for me, my wife, my children, and others I love is the right road for your plan. It’s all I have. Atheists would say I am using my faith as a crutch, and perhaps I am. But you are a crutch I’ve reasoned myself towards. You’re an educated crutch. And it’s ironic that the closer I find myself growing to you the more I feel the fruit of your Holy Spirit growing in me. But yes, even when I am in the valley of the shadow of death, I am trusting this is the path for me, and that you have made it resistant to whatever mistakes I make.
Therefore I will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Speaking of the valley of the shadow of death, here it is in the prayer. This part about you never leaving me to face my perils alone reminds me of the poem “Footprints in the Sand.”
One night I dreamed a dream. As I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you Never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.”
Father, there are times when I really need you to carry me. And there are other times when I am ready to put my feet down and get to work. As I enter this week of vacation, I think there is a little of both ahead of me. I could use some carrying and comfort. But I also think this might be an opportunity to make some progress on some personal things you’re asking me to do. But it all starts with me being here in your presence, with a heart that is flawed but earnest. With a life that can be selfish but repentant. With a heart that is afraid, but learning to trust you. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. All that I am, for all that you are.
Father, you convicted my wife and me about something this morning. We were talking about someone we love who can sometimes frustrate us, and we realized that while we sometimes throw them into our prayers when we pray for different groups of people together, we haven’t actually intentionally prayed for this person much at all, if at all. And this person has some of the most hurt from childhood of anyone I personally know. I can see why they would have a lot of issues. And that knowledge helps me be more tolerant of them, but do I actually intentionally pray to you on their behalf? No.
So, I’m here this morning to pray for this one person. You know who they are. They need your love. They need your healing. They need you. They need to know what it is to lay down their life, take up your cross and follow you. They need to know that you are what life is about, you are there for them, and you are waiting to surround them with love and shower them with all of the acceptance they never received. Heal their wounds. Fill in the gaps of their heart. Cover them with a sense of your presence. Help them to seek you and know you. Draw them in so they can begin to have your Spirit and the fruits of your Spirit grow out of them. Show me the role you have for me to play in their life. Raise up people in their life who can be your hands and feet to them. Your words and counsel. Your comfort.
Father, there are so many I know who need this exact prayer. I have two or three others’ names going in my head right now. Be that God to them. Love them. Show me how to love them on your behalf. Let your kingdom come and your will be done on earth, through us, as it is in heaven.
Emails to God 