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Category Archives: Musings and Stories

Grief, Support, and Judgment

31 Aug

Dear God, I just read an essay by Lisa Marie Presley as printed by People Magazine. It touched me on a few levels. It touched me as a parent who, in many ways, feels like I failed. It touched me as a parent who has been through the loss of a child (through miscarriage). It touched me as a parent who has felt judged by others for things that, on one hand, I judge myself, but, on the other hand, feel like they were due to circumstances beyond my control. It touched me as a fellow sojourner with Ms. Presley. She’s two years older than me. Her son was one year older than my son is now when he died.

One of the tragedies in our divided nation right now is that we tend to judge each other a lot more easily than we support each other. Even within your Church, we judge each other. I prayed the other day about whether or not people in different political parties were able to all be part of your Body at the same time. We can be mean, but I wonder how much of that meanness is fueled by our own insecurities, mourning, and sin. Ms. Presley mentioned the importance of support groups. She said that they didn’t take away the grief, but at least they took away some of the loneliness. I can see that. As a parent who struggled, I could have used more support group help.

I talked with someone yesterday who was struggling with her own parenting issues, both as a parent and as a grandparent. There’s real pain there. There was also a real sense that she didn’t know what to do next or how to respond to the situation at hand. She was doing the best she could in each moment–with each decision–trying to figure out what you need from her and her husband as spouses for each other, parents, and grandparents. It’s not easy.

Father, I could go on an on. I feel like I could probably type nonstop about this for at least an hour. More and more thoughts just keep coming into my head. But it comes down to this. I need–we need–the Holy Spirit to guide us beyond what we can see and help us to make the decisions that must be made in what is darkness to us, but complete light to you. Please help us. Help our children. Our grandchildren. Help us as spouses. Help us to mourn. Help us to use the mourning and the scars it leaves to take your light into the world–especially to others who mourn. Let us be your comfort to them. Fill their loneliness through our lives. And fill our loneliness through the lives of others. For the pain we are experiencing, please make it count. Make it count for your glory. And I’d also like to pray for Ms. Presley. Don’t let her pain be wasted. Use it in some way, even through this essay she beautifully wrote, to help someone. And ease her pain. Give her peace. Help her to find you and your heart in the midst of this and use her life for your glory.

I pray this through the power of Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection,

Amen

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Vacations and Sabbaths

06 Aug

Dear God, I was listening to the Bible in a Year podcast from Ascension Press, and they were talking about how in Isaiah 58 he is emphasizing the Sabbath and its importance. Admittedly, I half-heartedly observe the Sabbath. There have been times in the past when I’ve said that I would be more intentional about it by not only taking the day to rest, but to also really spend some additional intentional time with you. Do I do it? No. But I intend to.

Now I’m on this luxurious vacation that will last over two weeks. As I type this, I’m overlooking a bay on the Olympic peninsula in Washington state where I can see Victoria Canada across the water. The bay is still. A private sailboat is anchored about 300 yards from me. There are tankers, cargo ships and cruise ships within view. It is sunny and the temperature is in the 60s. I say all of that to just describe what an idyllic environment I’m currently in. This is very restful, and I do feel my soul being restored. I’m not worrying about a lot of things I normally worry about.

Much like two weeks of camp helps a youth to detox from social media and electronics, and enjoy the outdoors instead, this vacation for me is possibly helping me detox from my worries at home and the, when I return a week from today, I will have a choice regarding which things I want to resume addressing and which ones I’ll decide to not pick up again. It was on a vacation nearly two years ago that I decided to stop looking at social media and my life has been better for it. Are there barnacles on my current hull that need scraped off now?

Father, Holy Spirit, please guide me in this next week. Guide me as I sit in silence. Guide me as I visit with others. Guide me as I consume media. Guide me as I hear your call.

I pray all of this through Jesus’s life, death and resurrection,

Amen

 
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Posted by on August 6, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

Little Miss Sunshine (movie)

05 Aug

Dear God, I was reminded of a movie yesterday that is one of the great family dynamic movies (dysfunctional family as it may be) of all time: Little Miss Sunshine. It’s not clean. It’s profane. It shows broken people moving through a life situation together. Three generations with step children, half siblings, drug addicted grandfathers, suicidal uncles, etc. Just that sentence alone should scare me off, but it doesn’t.

We’d like to think that Christian families are different. If we love and fear you then your Holy Spirit will run all of the way through our families and make us whole, functional, loving, etc. But the truth is, for the most part, our families don’t look really that much different than this family. And this goes all of the way back to the Bible. There are very few biblical families who are much different than the family in Little Miss Sunshine. Even Jesus had a mother and brothers who thought he was crazy. David was a terrible father and husband with murder and rape among his children.

So as I think about the writer(s) of Little Miss Sunshine, the story that they were telling, and the hope to which they were trying to point us at the end, I wonder what the difference would be if the family–even one person in the family–worshipped you. Would there functionally be any difference?

My wife and I were talking last night about some of the issues in our own family and how we are living through them. And while there is not much my relationship with you can do to impact others, it can impact how I relate to others. It can impact how their actions towards me affect me. It helps me to take my eyes off of them to meet my needs and turn to you instead. I heard someone say at the beginning of COVID that we have made an idol out of certainty, but the things we try to put our certainty in will always fail us. Our economy. Our government, Our military. Our spouse. Our children. Parents. Etc. You get the idea. All of it is fragile and fallible. But you are the same yesterday today and forever. You are the only thing in which I can put my faith, and you never ever promised certainty.

Father, help me to know how to be the worshipper of you I need to be, how to be the husband I need to be, and how to be the father I need to be. Show me how to be a son, brother, uncle through my current circumstances. Show me what to do in each moment, but let it start with my worship of you.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on August 5, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Obi-Wan Kenobi and God’s Will

25 Jun

Dear God, this one is going to be a stretch, but stick with me on this. I just finished watching the new Obi-Wan Kenobi series on Disney+ and it got me to thinking about what you know that we don’t. What you can see that we can’t. In this case (and for those reading this who have not seen it, I’m not going to spoil anything because the one thing we know if we’ve seen the original A New Hope is that Obi-Wan, Darth Vader, Luke, and Leia all survive this movie), if Obi-Wan had the opportunity to kill Darth Vader, should he? Did Obi-Wan fail when he didn’t kill him at the end of Revenge of the Sith? Should we be disappointed that Darth Vader survives the sixth episode of the Obi-Wan Kenobi series?

It makes me think of Dietrich Bonhoeffer and the role he played in the plot to assassinate Hitler in July 1944. While killing Hitler at any time might have looked good at the time, what we have since learned is that one of thing that helped the Allied Powers ultimately win World War II was Hitler’s erroneous influence on the German strategy. His ego became foolishness. If he had been killed, perhaps a more competent person would have emerged as his successor. They were trying to execute a coup d’etat to keep Germany from completely losing the war. Who knows what would have happened had they succeeded. Perhaps the war would have been prolonged. Maybe President Truman would have ultimately decided to drop the atomic bomb on Berlin as well as the two he dropped on Japan. One interesting point is that Hitler mistook his own survival as fate having spared him:

”I regard this as a confirmation of the task imposed upon me by Providence”—and that “nothing is going to happen to me… [T]he great cause which I serve will be brought through its present perils and…everything can be brought to a good end.”

In the fictional galaxy (far, far away) of Star Wars, ultimately, in Return of the Jedi, it is Darth Vader who kills the Emperor (I’m ignoring the movies after Return of the Jedi). If Obi-Wan kills him at the end of Revenge of the Sith or is able to somehow do it at the end of the Obi-Wan Kenobi series, would that remove the Rebellion’s path into the throne room? Would it take away the opportunity Luke would have to get that close to the Emperor and ultimately have Darth Vader kill him? It’s hard to imagine how it would happen otherwise. So is Obi-Wan’s failure to kill Vader really failure or fate? (Again, I know this is fictitious and the original story was created by George Lucas.)

So why am I praying about this? Because I come to realize more and more every day how little I know and understand. I don’t know why this thing or that thing happens. I don’t know why Hitler survives an assassination attempt and Bonhoeffer dies instead (just three weeks before Hitler took his own life, as it turned out). I don’t know why you made Saul king of Israel (1 Samuel 9) before you made David the king. Naomi didn’t know why her husband and two sons died in Moab (Ruth 1). I don’t know why a friend just recently found out she was pregnant with a Down Syndrome baby and then, after coming to a place of peace with the pregnancy, lost the baby. I don’t know why some relationships in my life are not what I want them to be. I don’t know why my country seems to be spinning in a downward spiral, drowning in its own hubris. I don’t know.

Father, what I do know is that all of these burdens–all of these stresses, worries, concerns, fears–are to be laid at your feet. You keep me on a need-to-know basis and I rarely need to know. My job is to worship you, trust you, repent to you, take up my cross, and follow you. If I do those things and try to listen to the Holy Spirit as He guides me in my actions, thoughts, and words, then I will find myself taking my eyes off of the cares of the world and sinking further into your presence even while I’m here on earth. So thank you for using this secular form of entertainment (Obi-Wan Kenobi) as a reminder that I don’t have to understand what is going on to be at peace. In fact, now that I think about it, isn’t that the sin Adam and Eve first committed? Weren’t they trying to know what you know? Help me to keep from repeating that sin any further.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on June 25, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Worship

10 Jun

Dear God, as I sat this morning and thought about what direction I want to go as I spend some time with you, the word “worship” came to mind. I just want to worship you. I want to worship you in song. I want to worship you in my thoughts and words. I want to love you this morning and show you the love I have for you.

“The Heart of Worship” by Matt Redman

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come

Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless Your heart

I’ll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required

You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You’re looking into my heart

I’m comin’ back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus

I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve

Though I’m weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I’ll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You’re looking into my heart, yeah

I’m comin’ back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus

I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus

I’m comin’ back to the heart of worship
‘Cause it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus

I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it
‘Cause it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus, yeah
All about You

I’ll bring You more than a song
I’ll bring You more than a song, more than a song
I’ll bring You more than a song
I’ll bring You more than a song (than a song)

You’re looking into my heart
You’re looking into my heart
You’re looking into my heart
Into my heart

I’ll bring You more than a song
I’ll bring You more than a song, yeah, yeah
I’ll bring You more than a song
I’ll bring You more than a song

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Matthew James Redman

This song captures my heart this morning. Some lines that stand out to me:

“Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart.”

“You’re looking into my heart.”

“King of endless worth. No on could express how much you deserve”

My wife and I were talking this morning about a friend who does not live in an ideal situation in terms of housing and roommates. However, something fortuitous happened with that friend yesterday that likely would not have happened if she lived alone. Could it be you are making her struggle count?

We have another friend who received a significant diagnosis for their child two days ago, but we just found out yesterday. As we pray for them, what will you do to make their pain and struggle count? How will you heal? How will you show your glory.

I have no less that six friends who are going through some sort of marital problems right now. From unhappiness in the same home, to separation, to divorce. It’s hard to watch from the outside looking in. How will you use me to help those situations? How can I keep from getting in your way and making things worse?

Then there is the world. From wars and war crimes, to national politics, to the economy, to hunger, etc. There is so much happening. How should I engage with it? What are you doing in me through these things that is refining me into who you think I need to be?

And of course, there are my own personal issues. You know my concerns, pain, and fear. I bring it all to you, turn my clinched fists to the ground, open up to let the things to which I hold so tightly fall, and then turn my palms up to accept what you want to give me to meet my needs.

Father, I am humbled before you. I am unworthy. You are good. I am not. You are my God. I worship you. Help me to be what you need me to be today for those around me. My wife. My children. Their significant others. My friends. My coworkers. The clients where I work. I give it all to you. I’ll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself is not what you have required. I bring you my whole life. I bring you my pride and my ego. Do what you need to do to break me, mold me, fill me, and use me. And comfort everyone who has crossed my mind while I typed this, as well as those I have forgotten.

I pray all of this because of the power and redemption you give me through your son Jesus,

Amen

 
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Posted by on June 10, 2022 in Hymns and Songs, Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Final Words at a Funeral

06 Jun

We seem to give them back to you, dear God, who gave them to us. Yet, as you did not lose them in giving, so we have not lost them by their return. What you give, you do not take away. For what is yours is ours always, if we are yours. And life is eternal and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. Lift us up, O God, that we may see further; cleanse our eyes that we may see more clearly; draw us closer to yourself that we may know ourselves nearer to our beloved who are with you. And while your Son has prepared a place for us, prepare us for that happy place, that, where they are and you are, we too may be; through the same Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Read at the funeral of John “Jack” Burton Kendrick (1942-2022)

Dear God, I’ve been to a lot of funerals, but there have only been a few instances when something really touched me. In this case, I was at the funeral of a friend today and the priest read this blessing at the end. Thankfully, it was printed in the program so I could capture it here.

The prayer is very poetic. It’s the classic poetry thing of using just a few words to communicate so much. I want to capture some of those phrases here and think/pray about them. Holy Spirit, be with me and counsel me while I do this.

“…you did not lose them in giving…”

This is just one phrase on that whole first part, and the entirety of the second and third sentences are important, but they seem to be built on this idea that life and death are not a zero-sum game. In fact, life is win/win. We gain our loved one. Even if we lose them, they 1.) remain in our hearts and the impact of their life always influences us and 2.) we will have them forever when we return to you. You didn’t lose them when they were on earth. You gave them to earth. And they are never really gone.

“…and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight…”

Yes. Our sight is so, so limited. Even now, I wonder how much I should be positioning my prayers in my heart. To the Father? To the Son? To the Holy Spirit? I guess it makes most sense to pray to the Holy Spirit because he is the counselor with me–the comforter–but Jesus spoke with the Father and he invited us to speak to the Father. But I digress. When it comes to death, we simply don’t understand. I don’t understand My sight cannot see beyond the horizon, but the horizon is established only by my ability to rise above and see clearly through the help of the Holy Spirit.

“And while your Son has prepared a place for us, prepare us for that happy place…”

There’s an Amy Grant song called “In a Little While.” The chorus includes the phrase, “We’re just here to learn to love Him.” To love you. To love you is what it’s about.

Father, recently, I feel like I have unplugged my roots from your stream to some extent. I’m sorry for that. while my “leaves” and “branches” can hold on and look okay for a couple of days, pretty soon I start to see the decay. So I’m very sorry. I’m sorry for pulling my roots away from your nourishment. I’m sorry for allowing thorny or rocky soil to be the soil the Holy Spirit has to try to break through. I’m sorry for my selfishness. And with all of that said, help me to see. Help me to see you. Help me to rest in you. Help me to have access to your wisdom and spiritual nourishment. Help me to love richly.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Father-in-Law

22 May
Father-in-Law

Dear God, I was watching a marriage video by Gary Thomas with my wife last night as my wife and I prepared to lead discussion today for our couples group from church, and he was talking about this concept. He posted this column back in 2014 that goes along the same lines. It’s a great and powerful concept: If my wife is your daughter then, in some respects, that makes you my father-in-law. When I treat my wife in a certain way, I am also treating your daughter in that way as well. But unlike other fathers-in-law, you are omnipresent. You can see not only what goes on in our home behind closed doors, but you see what I do when I am alone. You see into my heart.

So what is my heart towards my wife? Am I guarding it? Am I living out the two greatest commandments in my own home as well as in public?

He also asked another question during the video last night: Am I a spouse-centered spouse or a God-centered spouse? If I am a spouse-centered spouse, that means I will gauge my treatment of my wife based off of how she is treating me. Was she nice to me this morning? If yes, then I might go out of my way a little more for her. Was she cold or focused on other things besides me? If yes, then I might return the attitude in-kind.

However, if I am a God-centered spouse, then I am seeing her through your eyes and her actions are not determining factors in how I treat her, or even think about her. In fact, if she is cold towards me maybe that’s the time you need me to express more concern for her. You need me to care for her and give her even more. It’s not about what she gives me. It’s about what you need for me to give her.

Father, I’m sorry I’ve failed you in so many ways when it comes to my marriage. As a father of two grown children in relationships with significant others, I certainly have my opinions about them. I can only imagine what you think of me. So thank you for entrusting your daughter’s life to me. Thank you for such an amazing woman. I know I take her for granted all of the time. I try not to, but I know I do. So help me to have insights into her and to be exactly that man you need me to be for her sake and so that she can continue to grow into exactly the woman you have for her to be. And in the process, make me the man you need me to be.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on May 22, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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The Serenity Prayer

06 Apr

Dear God, as my wife and I were praying together this morning, this is the prayer (from AA) that came to mind. I don’t know exactly how my prayers for you to act impact your ability, willingness, or decision to act or change course, but I do know that the more I know you–the more I pray to you–the more it changes me. I don’t know if this quote is truly from C.S. Lewis, but in the movie Shadowlands, his character tells a friend, “I don’t pray because it changes God. I pray because it changes me.”

So Father, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. There is so much I want to change, but I am humbled by my inability to change any of it. That humility drives me to my knees. Sometimes I’m on my knees before you and sometimes I’m on my knees feeling sorry for myself. But if I try to put my energy into changing what I cannot affect then I am being a fool. So I need to serenity from you to let go. I need the serenity of you to forgive myself. I need the serenity from you to move on in other directions. Then there are times when action is required but it can be scary. I don’t want to get out of my comfort zone and challenge or confront. Speak to me when those times present themselves and give me the courage when I need it. Give me the wisdom I need to know the difference between your call to wait and your call to act.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on April 6, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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Psalm 1:1-3

27 Mar

Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with the mockers. But they delight in the law of the Lord, meditating on it day and night. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do.

Psalm 1:1-3

Dear God, I came across a translation of this well-know passage this morning in the Steven Purcell book Even Among These Rocks: A Spiritual Journey. But he didn’t have these words. He had a translation from somewhere between the 8th and 3rd centuries, B.C.

Certainly, verse 1 is the most different, but it does kind of fit. I guess the ultimate goal in being Christlike is that point where you are beyond greed (I’m not there yet), beyond hatred (I’m not there yet), an no longer nourish illusions (I’m not 100% sure what the translator means here, but I don’t think I’m there yet either). I also like the next part: “But they delight in the way of grace and keep their hearts open day and night.” Nope, not there yet either. I’m closer today than I was yesterday. I’m closer this year than I was last year. I’m closer now at 52 than I was at 42.

I was reading an article last night from Christianity Today about deconstructing faith. That’s become a hot button topic lately and I don’t want to do into it too deeply here, but there were a couple of quotes from the author, Kirsten Sanders, that stood out to me:

“Truth about God isn’t always easy, however. Faith that begins in earnest commitment sometimes must advance through a period of slow questioning, of confusion, of switchbacks and labored ascent.”

I wasn’t thrilled when I first learned that my knowledge of God would always be incomplete. I felt, for a time, unmoored. Like many seminary students, I had been praying for years to a God who I had pictured as being just like me, only larger, through difficult days of uncertainty and loneliness. I loved that God and know that he loves me. Rather than only feeling closer to the God I loved, I learned that there was a clear limit to what I could know. I would need to learn to love God in the dark.

I think there is an inherent discomfort for all humans in just how small and insignificant we are. There is a limit to our abilities–a limit that you do not have. You are omnipotent, and we are not. You are omniscient, and we are not. I think the key to being at peace and sinking into a life beyond greed, hatred, and illusions is getting to a point of complete surrender that we are simply not you and there is a part where we need to accept our ignorance and sink into your grace.

Father, help me get better today at getting beyond greed, replacing hatred with grace and mercy, and rejecting illusions. I confess that I will not get all of the way there today. I’m sorry for that. But help me to at least move along in my journey.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on March 27, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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“I want! I want!”

26 Mar

Dear God, I was going through the Lenten book Even Among These Rocks: A Spiritual Journey by Steven Purcell this morning and I came across this picture. It so lines up with the spirit I am getting from the masses in our country right now. Conservative or liberal, rich or poor, young or old, these words seem to be ruling the day: “I want! I want!” And the ladder to the moon seems to emphasize the idea that we will not be denied. Of the image, Purcell wrote: “William Blake’s simple etching illustrates the point that sin is neve the solitary escapade of desire that we imagine it to be, but more fundamentally the rejection of our relational identity. The ladder depicts an apparently innocuous ascent. Where the ladder will lead is perhaps immaterial. What is at stake are the relationships which are affected by his act. What we see in Blakes etching is how movements away from our neighbor and toward our own desires in the spirit of ‘I want, I want,’ neglect the communal image of God impressed on our being.”

I was listening to a podcast this morning that was taking a thoughtful view of trans girls/women competing with girls and women in athletics. While I don’t want to get into the specifics here, there does seem to be a theme in the story of someone deciding they want something for themselves at any cost forgetting, neglecting, or intentionally ignoring “the communal image [you] impressed on our being.” Where is loving your neighbor as yourself?

Of course, this is just one example. There are those, both conservative and liberal, who want ultimate political power so they can control their enemies. There are some who want more and more materially regardless of what it costs others. There are others who want to experience all of the carnal gratifications the human existence has to offer.

In his temptations in the desert, Jesus resisted all of the temptations to impress Satan and break relationship with you. He loved you with all of his heart, mind, and strength. As he left the desert, he loved his neighbor as himself. And he taught us to do the same. Help me to do the same today. Help me to love you. Help me to love others. Be glorified through me for your glory’s sake.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen

 
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Posted by on March 26, 2022 in Miscellaneous, Musings and Stories

 

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