Dear God, I prayed a couple of days ago about what you might have for me on this retreat. Now, it’s the last morning, and I think I’ve heard you. The word has been lament. I’ve described my life to others lately as largely good with this tremendous cloud of sorrow that is constantly on the horizon. And it’s amazing how the 90% that’s good can be impacted by the 10% that is incredibly sad, but it’s real and it’s there.

I listened to two different episodes of the Voxology Podcast that I downloaded before I came on the trip. They turned out to be divine appointments. The first episode was titled “The God Who Disappoints Everyone,” and the follow-up episode was called “The Only Way Out is Through.” The first episode talked about the myriad of biblical characters who had, by worldly standards either disappointing lives or, at best, real sorrows after they received your call for them. Moses was called to lead the people to the Promised Land, but wasn’t allowed to enter. David really wanted to build your Temple, but was denied. Mary certainly had heartache. Paul’s life would have turned out better from a worldly standpoint if he had remained a Pharisee. One point he made was that just about everyone who interacted with Jesus, except for the people who were healed or forgiven of their sin (Samaritan woman, woman caught in adultery, etc.), at some point was disappointed in how things were going. Even Jesus’s closest disciples were disillusioned at one time or another. So my life, although containing sorrow, certainly does not stand out amidst these biblical characters.

The next episode was a follow-up because the first one generated so much response from people. They read a couple of emails from people who were doing everything they knew to do, but they were still not experiencing the “God is good all the time,” “You have the victory in Jesus” life. The title of the podcast was their main message. They talked about being “oriented,” “disoriented,” and “reoriented.” Oriented is knowing and feeling who I am in you. Living it fully. Disoriented is losing that feeling in my heart and soul. I know it, but that knowledge isn’t doing anything for me because I still have sorrow and lament. Reoriented is the person who has been through the disorientation and come through the other side. Their advice was for the disoriented person to find an oriented or, preferably, a reoriented person to walk with you through the darkness. Mike talked about the Prince Caspian book from the Chronicles of Narnia series and how the youngest child, Lucy, was the one who could see Aslan while they were walking in a scary and confusing place. The others followed her, trusting she could see Aslan until they were ultimately able to see him for themselves. So Mike’s suggestion was to find someone who can see Jesus from where they are and follow them, putting your trust that Jesus is there, the Holy Spirit is there, you, the Father, are there, and keep following them to you until they themselves can see you.

I’m not saying I’m in a place where I can’t see you. I’ve certainly been there before, but I’m not there now. But I do have this ache and this lament that penetrates my soul. It hurts. It brings tears to my eyes, even as I type these words. And there are times when it doesn’t feel okay. But that is why community is important. In those moments, the people you put into my life—my wife, friends, or even podcasters—give my soul rest while I simply move through the forest. There is no helicopter that will get me out of it. The only way out is through.

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, thank you for meeting me here this weekend. I consider my life worth nothing to me. I only want to finish the race and complete the task you have given to me. The task of testifying to your grace.

I offer this prayer to you in the name of Jesus, my Lord,

Amen