¹² Before a young woman’s turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics. ¹³ And this is how she would go to the king: Anything she wanted was given her to take with her from the harem to the king’s palace. ¹⁴ In the evening she would go there and in the morning return to another part of the harem to the care of Shaashgaz, the king’s eunuch who was in charge of the concubines. She would not return to the king unless he was pleased with her and summoned her by name.

¹⁵ When the turn came for Esther (the young woman Mordecai had adopted, the daughter of his uncle Abihail ) to go to the king, she asked for nothing other than what Hegai, the king’s eunuch who was in charge of the harem, suggested. And Esther won the favor of everyone who saw her. ¹⁶ She was taken to King Xerxes in the royal residence in the tenth month, the month of Tebeth, in the seventh year of his reign.

¹⁷ Now the king was attracted to Esther more than to any of the other women, and she won his favor and approval more than any of the other virgins. So he set a royal crown on her head and made her queen instead of Vashti. ¹⁸ And the king gave a great banquet, Esther’s banquet, for all his nobles and officials. He proclaimed a holiday throughout the provinces and distributed gifts with royal liberality.

Dear God, this is such a foreign concept to me—women being treated this way and having a king pick his wife this way.

As I think about it, what is sad for Xerxes is that he missed out on some stuff that he doesn’t realize he missed out on. By having women as objects who are summoned instead of partners who are equals he missed out on an intimacy that can be had between a woman and a man. The intimacy of sharing your fears, working through your frustrations, and being there to be that confidant for your spouse. He missed out on the romantic weekends where they would travel together and experience new things—or just a little non-sexual (as well as sexual) time alone. I get the feeling that the only time he summoned any woman was for sex or to show her off (see Vashti in the first chapter). I doubt he ever summoned Esther for meaningful conversation and soul sharing. This was not a marriage of three cords.

Father, help me to be everything you need me to be for my wife. Love her richly through me. Give her your love through me. Thank you for what you do for me through her. Thank you for the love you show me through her. Please take the earnestness of both of our hearts and turn it into your blessings, words, and deeds for each other and our children. Be glorified in our marriage and in our family. Help us to “figure all of this out.”