“That’s The Way I Always Heard It Should Be“
Music by: Carly Simon
Lyrics by: Jacob Brackman
My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark
The living room is still
I walk by, no remark
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines
I hear her call sweet dreams
But I forgot how to dream
But you say it’s time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that’s the way I’ve always heard it should be
You want to marry me, we’ll marry
My friends from college they’re all married now
They have their houses and their lawns
They have their silent noons
Tearful nights, angry dawns
Their children hate them for the things they’re not
They hate themselves for what they are
And yet they drink, they laugh
Close the wound, hide the scar
But you say it’s time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that’s the way I’ve always heard it should be
You want to marry me, we’ll marry
You say we can keep our love alive
Babe, all I know is what I see
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love’s debris
You say we’ll soar like two birds through the clouds
But soon you’ll cage me on your shelf
I’ll never learn to be just me first
By myself
Well O.K., it’s time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that’s the way I’ve always heard it should be,
You want to marry me, we’ll marry
We’ll marry
© 1970 Quackenbush Music Ltd. / Kensho Music, ASCAP
Dear God, it looks like this song was copyrighted the summer I was born. My parents had been married just under 16 months when they had me. It’s interesting to thing about them as a young couple.
Marriage is such an interesting sacrament (in the words of the Catholic Church). And there is a difference between living together and getting married. For some, like the writer of this song, there is a fear there. You see the misery of an older couple and you don’t want that for yourself. “What if that happens to me?”
I remember when my wife and I were dating and wondering if she was the one to marry. I don’t know if it was the right question, but the question I asked myself was, “Can I imagine being 65 years old, waking up on a Saturday morning and enjoying talking with her over breakfast?” Now that I think about it, that’s kind of an odd question to ask. And our lives have taken a lot of twists and turns since then. But I’m grateful that even this morning, as recently as 15 minutes ago, we sat and had breakfast together, sharing our thoughts on a couple of things. I played a Tracy Chapman song (“I’m Ready”) for her and we talked about the Christian overtones. She talked about some writing she is submitting to a journal. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I still enjoy her company.
What makes marriage hard is kind of what makes life hard. It seems like we are constantly fighting the slide towards selfishness. In marriage. In life. I have a friend who is always asking, “When will it be my turn to [fill in the selfish desire here]?” But the best thing I ever heard about marriage was something I’ve mentioned to you several times, the Sacred Marriage material by Gary Thomas. “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” I am grateful I heard that presentation and then read the book less than 10 years into marriage. I can look back and see how selfish and needy I was before that. That book alone might have saved my marriage.
Father, first, please help me to be the husband my wife needs me to be. She is your daughter. And while I am your son, I am also you son-in-law. Help me to do my best for your daughter. Second, help me to be an encouragement to those who are in tough marriages and a supportive counselor to those who are in good marriages. I guess, Father, I just want to be your man today. I’m giving someone I’ve never met a tour of our nonprofit. Help me to be what you need me to be for her. I have friends and family who are facing significant health issues. Please heal. Please comfort. Please strengthen their caregivers and family as well as them. I have relatives whom I love very much. Please show me how to love them and how not to love them. And I pray for favor for my wife in the pieces she is submitting to that journal. Guide her in her career, her passions, and her gifts.
I pray all of this in Jesus and with your Holy Spirit,
Amen
Emails to God 