“Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known
Better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life
Because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Kelly Brianne Clarkson / Ben Moody / David Hall Hodges

—

Dear God, I was letting a random playlist run on YouTube this morning when this Kelly Clarkson song came on. I had just made myself a sandwich and I came in on the middle of the video. I know from other songs and interviews she’s done that she had a problematic childhood with her parents’ divorce. According the Wikipedia (the source of all dependable truth 😉), she wrote this song when she was 16. There was obvisouly a lot of damage done to her through this, and you can tell that it seems to have some words for both of her parents. I must admit that I’ve never listened closel to this song before. I always thought it was about a currently emotionally abusive relationship with a boyfriend or husband. But the video was very powerful.

So why am I praying to you about this today? Well, in the midst of all of the prayers I’ve been doing lately about Solomon, this made me wonder how his childhood might have affected him later in life. He obviously had an issue with women. I don’t know what his sexual habits were, but to have that many wives and concubines there was obviously something going on there.

What kind of damage did he carry into his adulthood. Assuming that it was an open secret about how his parents had first come together, was that how he fantasized about treating women when he became king? Did he decide at that point to just take what he wanted? Of the 700 wives and 300 concubines, did he have to take them from any men or kill any men for them? I think I have underestimated (neglected is probably a better word) how much the influence his childhood had on Solomon’s reign as king.

So how do I continue to allow my influencers from childhood to impact my adult life? What baggage do I carry to this day? Of course, we all have it. We all have damage. As a husband, mine mainly manifests itself as insecurity and neediness. As a discipling Christian, I think I worship you, but I still keep you at just a bit of a distance because I don’t want to become too pious. As a father, I’m getting better at overcoming neediness, but it’s still something I fight. Even in my work, there is still a bit of neediness for approval. Hmm. Maybe I’m catching a patter here.

Father, help me to find my peace and my worth in you. Be glorified in me. Help me to love with no strings, work as unto you, and worship you as you deserve.

In Jesus’s name I pray,

Amen