In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?

Hebrews 12:4-7

Dear God, is it bad that I disagree with verse 7? Because while some hardship might be the consequences of my sin, I simply don’t think a sin-free life will lead to no hardships. So I have a hard time accepting that part of this passage.

But I do, however, accept the overall thesis—you love me. The only comparable thing for you to use is to compare it to our love for our children, but the truth is that you love us even more than that. And when I fall and make a stupid decision, you are there to let me work it out. When I pursue you, you help to guide me into a deeper understanding of how I need to intentionally decrease and let you increase.

I’ve been getting a lot of love from others lately on some things I’ve been doing in the community, and what is exciting me is that I’ve been genuinely uncomfortable with the acknowledgement coming my way. Not 100%, but I’d say 95% of me wishes that I could just do this stuff anonymously and have no one notice I’m involved. While having 5% of me still looking for some of the love isn’t necessarily good, it’s A LOT better than it used to be. I’ve always wanted some strokes for the “good” things I do. Now, I’d rather just keep my head down and press on.

Father, I’m still on this journey, and I need a little more of you today. I need you to flow through me. It’s the humble you can use, not the proud. I’m sorry for my insecurity and pride. I lay that at your cross today. I lay my sin, my strengths, my worries, and my love there—all of me. I need you, I’m no good without you, and I will pursue you because I know that you and your love are where my peace and joy comes from.

In Jesus’ name I pray,

Amen